Stain-glass Eyes

We aren't taught how to be alone.  Or to value solitude. I think we acquire the skills by trial and error, if we do at all.  It's certainly underplayed. Yes, one of our basic human needs is to belong. The ideals are clear our entire life: “Family” “Community”   “Relationships” We had to belong or we wouldn’t have survived as an infant.   Until some of those constructs break down by inevitable changes like moving, death, divorce and disasters, our small world is with a group of others. We learn the language, how to navigate the spaces and we learn to cooperate with family and learn the standards .   We’re in this eggshell. An egg sloshing around inside, safe and contained. We’re not alone. Until the shell cracks or breaks apart. But, that’s the thing. We are alone in that eggshell. We’re with our own self every minute, hour, and second of the day.   We’re confined in a way being molded by those we are with. We’re led to believe our handlers will keep us saf...

When I know it will be a long time before I see a loved one, sadness, pending regret and anxiety shift around in my body as the departure nears. It’s uncomfortable. And I don't always realize my body is full of tension until it's over and I'm alone. My throat is tightening up even as I write. It's complicated. The goodbyes I've struggled with the most in the past seem to pile up and cause the current  parting to morph into the goodbye-of-all-goodbyes. It's not easy "In the moment" to separate them and deal with the current one.  I'm working on this. The most recent example of this is when I left my mom in St. Ignace. It’s difficult to hug my mom goodbye. I want to believe she and I will always be there. But there is reality. We don't know the future. I'm guessing it's hard for her too. Coffee on Mom's Porch When I cross the Mackinac Bridge to head south, (after goodbyes), the expanse of this beautiful towering bridge that crosses th...

It is not a terrible thing that we feel fear when faced with the unknown. It is part of being alive, something we all share.   Pema Chädrön I realized the other day when I attempted a selfie, I couldn’t smile. The frozen-face of sadness just sat there. I tried a couple clicks and looked at me in the photo. So, I remedied it when I opened up a video of my grandson swaying to Nat King Cole’s rich voice singing “Unforgettable”. It gave me an instant genuine smile. This snuck up on me. Boy, I needed to step back and settle in with this sadness. Let it tell me what it needed from me. I was out of touch with myself and didn’t see it coming. Have you ever had the fear if you start to cry you may never stop? It’s not realistic, right? But, at the time it feels so real. So possible. I have learned from experience I can allow myself to let the tears fall and it’s not a forever thing. Unless I walk through those melancholy parts of life, cry, touch them, and acknowledge them, I stay off-balan...

I am a rock.  Hard, heavy. Fearless. Honestly, I’m a soft step into dry, golden sand. I pulsate life. I yield and shift to who I am with each step. I am love. Poised and ready. Well…parts of me draw inward, my gate can be closed.   I am my wants. How I live is my "I am". I am a Great Lake.   I flow deep, fresh water. Smooth to rough, warm to cold. Winter to Summer. I am not afraid of my layers. I know what rivers flow into me. I am sunrise on a cold and frosty morning. Rising warm and ready to melt away fears and tears. Slowly, steadily, dependably. Dispelling aloneness with my rays of hopefulness. I am a needy heart, a bleeding heart too. I am kind. I am giver.   I am a Winnie the Pooh. Blundering in speech, with made up words. I am fun. I am laughter. I am voice. Strong in song and speech I resonate from my heart and soul. I am failure.   I am prideful.   I am shovel.   I dig for my worth.   I toss aside decayed dirt and dig deeper. I push down ...

 What can you teach me, Francis? My dusty, neglected books say nothing. Philosophy, language, music, quotes,   Knot tying, origami folding Birds, fairies and…old journals. You! Play, eat, make music. Fight sleep, fall into hugs and love. You! Scooch toward specks on the wooden floor. Investigate, measure, Fill up with all that’s around you. You! Abruptly take me back on my heels with question and wonder. What are you here to tell me? I’m wise and old. You beg me to let go of all I know. To reach and toss and turn what is in front of me. You! Smile with curiosity, genuineness   and charm. Your hands turn, poke and push things over. What did I miss, Francis? Curiosity? Songs without words? Love without expectations?   Should I test gravity with my body? Are my food and everyday objects,   Worth a relook?  A retouch? The shadows on the wall move and play. I watch you  smile and try  to stop one. My heart leaps a t the moment. You! When you rock yours...