One Step Back Two Forward

It is not a terrible thing that we feel fear when faced with the unknown. It is part of being alive, something we all share.  Pema Chädrön

I realized the other day when I attempted a selfie, I couldn’t smile. The frozen-face of sadness just sat there. I tried a couple clicks and looked at me in the photo.

So, I remedied it when I opened up a video of my grandson swaying to Nat King Cole’s rich voice singing “Unforgettable”. It gave me an instant genuine smile.

This snuck up on me. Boy, I needed to step back and settle in with this sadness. Let it tell me what it needed from me. I was out of touch with myself and didn’t see it coming.

Have you ever had the fear if you start to cry you may never stop? It’s not realistic, right? But, at the time it feels so real. So possible. I have learned from experience I can allow myself to let the tears fall and it’s not a forever thing.

Unless I walk through those melancholy parts of life, cry, touch them, and acknowledge them, I stay off-balance. I understand if I don’t embody and cradle them they will take up residency until I do. Sometimes they become raucous and mean. And I won’t be bullied! My best shot is to face my bully.

I stole a respite for a week. I realized solitude was in order. I needed to check in with my mind, body and heart. To oversee myself. I know if I wait too long it takes MUCH longer to return my healthy balance. 

I looked out the window for days and watched waves crash to the shore, pines bent in the wind,

and I was in silence with myself. 

I watched the deer slowly and cautiously approach the small shoots of grass in the firm, brown sand. Their hoof prints left after they flitted into the woods. 

I watched and heard the birds flit around and struggle to avoid the cold. They pushed forward to eat and finish their little homes.

If I set sadness aside (over and over) and feel the need to cry or feel anger rise from deep inside, it’s time to look inward again, dwell with those feelings longer and more thoroughly. 

Or maybe I could be more accurate——let them dwell with me longer. Even if I hate how uncomfortable it feels. I’ve been in this place before. It does have a downhill.

It takes time to regain equilibrium when I’m out of whack. I need time alone. Space and privacy to fog-out or scream. Uninterrupted time to listen to my whimpers that beg for hope. To hear my songs that hammer through the clouds and storms to look for sunshine.

At the heart of your being lies your answer. You know who you are and what you want. Laozi

When I go through this process it helps me to be grounded again. I talk and talk to myself. Argue with myself and hold myself through the worst of the fears that creep up. These are natural detours. Life-stuff to think about. Change is constant and not easy to process. Life doesn’t go away until we die. 

I want my life to have value. I decide and engineer how that life will play out...mostly. I want to able to welcome my fears as long as when I step out I’m able to step back into life running. 

Life’s obstacles will always be there. I don’t have a lot of control over those, but I can intend to still be Maggie in spite of them.

"...grief is one of most powerful forces there is, 

powerful enough to shatter the self we've carefully constructed."   Miriam Greenspan

Postscript...As I went through these thoughts, I had my loved ones and their struggles (along with my own) on my mind. I want to say to all of you , "Stay well, get well, hang in there and be yourself. Don't bully yourself, okay? Life plays dodge-ball with us enough on its own."       MMMMM