Stain-glass Eyes

Painting Done by Karen After recently losing my big sister, Karen, my mind has been spinning.  Writing is my tool  to piece together what’s causing this whirling frenzy in my mind.  Sometimes just making a list can help me assemble the fractions to make the whole. Death.  The reminder I’m human, mortal.  My life will not continue and continue with no end. Sadness.   The overwhelming feeling of loss heavy on my heart.  The dragging pull of grief.    Life.  The reminder of getting back to living.  The difficult step it takes to get back on the escalator going up. Happiness.  Eliminating the distractions keeping me from pursuing what I’ve found makes me happy. This mind-spinning is encasing me with a thick cocoon.  A safe shelter.  What frightens me it isn’t uncomfortable.  I’ve been in here before.  It feels safe and familiar. But, it isn’t safe.  Comfortable isn’t how I want to live.  I want to extend out of my comfort zone.  I want to live, not wait for l

A journey through death and dying is not the trip I choose easily or am forced to take.  I could have left it for some future time and dealt with it then.  I could have stayed away and denied registering it from my mind.  Deny it was truly happening. But, I was with my mom when we got the call, from Florida, telling us Karen was possibly not going to make it through her cancer set-back. So, it wasn’t just about me.  I had to take into consideration Mom’s need to say goodbye to her daughter, before she passed, not just my own needs. Karen is my older sister. She died of breast cancer on October 9th, 2014.  Mom and I arrived at St. Joseph’s hospital, in Tampa, a few hours before Karen died.  She was in conscious sedation when we arrived Thursday afternoon.  She couldn’t respond, but we were told she could possibly hear us and feel our touch. As soon as I walked into I.C.U. to visit with Karen, I went numb.  It took more energy than I possessed to focus on the people

Flying into Tampa yesterday morning was unexpected.  It came with a heavy, heavy feeling.   My older sister, Karen was put into intensive care, late Wednesday night.  She lives in Tampa and she’s only known about her cancer for two months. Mom and I were flying in to be at the hospital.  We didn’t know if she would make it through her crisis or not.  I knew Mom needed to get there to be with her.  Mom was optomistic about the outcome, but didn’t want to wait any longer to go see her. Wednesday night,(the night before our trip, here, to Tampa), Mom and I went to Clyde’s Drive-In for a bison burger.   Before we left the house to eat, Kathy called and told us about rushing Karen to emergency.  She said she was getting badly needed fluids and was just tired.  We love to take out bison burgers “To Go” and park somewhere to enjoy the lake and eat them with pleasure (we both say, “Mmmmm, Mmmmm”, as we sit in the car and eat).   Wednesday to enjoy our Clyde’s Burgers, we