Pissy but Precious

When I know it will be a long time before I see a loved one, sadness, pending regret and anxiety shift around in my body as the departure nears.

It’s uncomfortable. And I don't always realize my body is full of tension until it's over and I'm alone. My throat is tightening up even as I write. It's complicated.

The goodbyes I've struggled with the most in the past seem to pile up and cause the current  parting to morph into the goodbye-of-all-goodbyes. It's not easy "In the moment" to separate them and deal with the current one. 

I'm working on this.

The most recent example of this is when I left my mom in St. Ignace.

It’s difficult to hug my mom goodbye. I want to believe she and I will always be there. But there is reality. We don't know the future. I'm guessing it's hard for her too.

Coffee on Mom's Porch

When I cross the Mackinac Bridge to head south, (after goodbyes), the expanse of this beautiful towering bridge that crosses the Straits of Mackinac is enough in itself to emit an additional goodbye-reaction in me.

Recently, I've been experimenting with focusing on the new memories my loved ones and I have made, rather than the goodbye itself as it nears. I have some of the new memories ask for a seat next to the tensions in my body to buddy-up.

It's actually worked when I said goodbye to my daughter and grandson a few weeks ago and to my mom, just recently. My body and heart were grateful. 

Goodbyes aren't going to go away. So if I expect to be able to handle them better I have to get creative.

Life is fragile. None of us have control of time and life. It can be pissy but precious.

 

"How lucky I am to 

have something 

that makes saying goodbye so hard." 

Winnie The Pooh