Naturally Alone

We aren't taught how to be alone. Or to value solitude. I think we acquire the skills by trial and error, if we do at all.  It's certainly underplayed. Yes, one of our basic human needs is to belong. The ideals are clear our entire life:

“Family”

“Community” 

“Relationships”

We had to belong or we wouldn’t have survived as an infant. 

Until some of those constructs break down by inevitable changes like moving, death, divorce and disasters, our small world is with a group of others. We learn the language, how to navigate the spaces and we learn to cooperate with family and learn the standards. 

We’re in this eggshell. An egg sloshing around inside, safe and contained. We’re not alone. Until the shell cracks or breaks apart.

But, that’s the thing. We are alone in that eggshell. We’re with our own self every minute, hour, and second of the day. 

We’re confined in a way being molded by those we are with. We’re led to believe our handlers will keep us safe and contained. Some of it’s the story we’ve spun too, so we feel safe. Maybe that’s when we become lonely. I started questioning who I was, where I was and the differences exploded in my head.

If we aren’t adventurous enough to poke a hole for ourselves, life begins to cause fractures in our shell regardless of its presumed strength. The air comes through and frightens us. Maybe we’re exhilarated. 

It’s when our shell has been completely shattered trauma can overwhelm. We’re vulnerable.

None of the standards apply anymore. We hold those fractured pieces of our shell whether alone or collaboratively. It’s catastrophic.

When my husband died ,14 years ago, on Aug. 5th, I felt the trauma. I was part of an immediate family, extended family, church community, residential community and the community where I taught, participated in a church choir and was a cantor.

All those groups became obsolete. I was broken. The shell I depended on made me feel stifled and alone. I had to redesign my life to survive. The shell no longer existed, I could only pretend for so long. I felt no joy or comfort in how I existed for almost three years after the death of Harry. 

I admit for the world to spin—- we need structures. We can’t all forage for our food. But there is a big but…when we can choose, we choose. We can create a flexible framework for our loved ones and for ourselves. It expands as we do. The more it is pliable the better for everyone.  

Our shell vibrates with, “it’s not safe, it’s different, it’s too difficult.”

I also believe we can better open up to the rest of humanity in a ways our shell doesn’t allow. 

I can now say I’m glad my shell shattered when it did even though it was a great loss when my husband walked on. 

My loved ones have more of a space with me without the shell. I have more joy in my trek without so many routes already highlighted. 

Basically I’m alone in my mind. I’m dreaming, grieving, creating, learning. I think it’s normal. Aloneness is part of life. It’s okay to be on any street corner, beach, chair or stoop and know you’re alone. It’s up to us to learn how to be alone and not feel lonely.

https://youtu.be/LUD1zbivuBs

Alone Again, Naturally- Gilbert O'Sullivan