Stain-glass Eyes

Losing someone you love seems utterly impossible, inconceivable. Our minds can’t understand the possibility. Our hearts definitely don’t. My friend recently lost a close friend. He knew his friend was failing. But, death is another thing entirely. It’s final. A void we can’t fill. When they’re gone there’s no chance anyone can take their place. So we grieve. We’re forced to process the fact our loved one isn’t coming back. It affects our present, past and future.   We reminisce about a time when they were still with us. We can’t share those memories we made together. Future events which we’ve fondly thought about sharing with them aren’t going to happen. It’s a very personal path we take to grieve. We try to accept comfort from those who love us. Sometimes distractions seem to ease the pain. But when we look inward, it’s still there, it’s still really hard. Compassion is always welcome. Advice on how or when to grieve isn’t helpful. I...

I’ve been in the Upper Peninsula with my Mom for a few weeks. It’s been a strengthening time for me to think. I’ve been able to gather up my thoughts about the change in seasons which can sometime be difficult for me. (Depression) While I write I take the time to look out my mom’s window. The leaves fall and the gray clouds and storms pass through. There are more flocking of birds and less and less sign of tourists. I definitely rate Fall high. The cool winds have my number. They know I can’t resist their touch. My skin reacts with pleasure when I begin to feel chilled. Pretty much how I feel when I snorkel in the cold waters of Lake Huron. I tell people it’s my drug of choice and I believe it is. It gives me a high like nothing else. It has a long-lasting effect of euphoria on me .   I pause from writing on my laptop and close my eyes and imagine the cool water surrounding me under water. Yesterday the rain kept pelting down as soon as I slid into th...

When I was younger I could be easily led to anger if someone irked me. I use to tell myself it was the Irish Temper I was born with.   Someone intentionally irritating me started it off, but the reaction I gave to it was really the only thing able to ignite the fire intended to burn. I’ve learned a tremendous amount of patience over the years. But, I’ve found out it’s not only patience I need to cool my reaction. I’ve learned I can deflect the harm that may have been intentionally sent my way. It doesn’t always work, (especially when I take the harm personally). I’ve opened myself up for pain and it results in anger. It’s like the way a shark latches onto its prey. It doesn’t release, it keeps thrashing it back and forth sinking the teeth in deeper and deeper. The pain gets set deeper and deeper and I’m in shreds. “Just ignore it”….. I’ve given the same advice to others. Not so easy when I’m seething inside and I force myself to put on a sticks-a...

Today is the 10th anniversary of my husband’s death.   I saw him vividly in a dream a few days ago. The first time in a very long time. I miss him when I take time to remember our love, the friendship we developed and the family we raised together.   I try not to dwell on the sad part of losing him. But it’s still tough not to tear up when I let myself go back in time. I know the memories I have are now muddled with romantic powdered sugar. The trying times have been given a buzz-cut long ago. I know he’s not coming back. I’m not angry about his parting anymore. I believe his death gave me the springboard to jump forward and create a satisfying life without him. My quandary is how to take the time to grieve. It surprises me how powerful grief can be when I do. Do I unlock and open the door? Or do I walk by and let the dust form without my attention?   I have a little Irish sprite inside of me. It encourages me to unlock and op...

My daughter, Elizabeth, graduated from the University of California, Irvine, this past weekend. Seeing her march up to the stage with other graduates was a huge moment for me. It was a memory I won’t ever forget. https://uci.stageclip.com/ clip/elizabeth-deluca-43pm3/ I’m pretty sure it was high on the scale of wonderful for her, too, even if the cap and gown and pomp and circumstance isn’t really her thing.   I have watched her determination and hard work for many years. Her high school honors, her undergrad work at Michigan State University. Her work at the University of Chicago for her Master’s degree and now her doctorate from UCI.   For her to have vision and strength to get herself to the top of all those mountaintops is incredible. And certainly not all of those peaks were a straight climb up.   She’s had to navigate many detours.     I’ve always been able to see the compassion in her, which to me is an accom...

It fascinates me when people ask, “What do you do for a living?” What happens when someone is working more than one job?   Or pursuing higher education along with having a job to pay the bills? I’d like to answer, “Take care of myself.” Instead I usually explain I spent years teaching elementary-age kids and I’m retired.   The problem with the easy way out is I don’t believe what I accomplished in the past is something I can rest my laurels on now. I’m proud of my past career, but what I do as a retired person has value too. The pressure of explaining “Making a living,” could just be in my head. If I feel inferior to a working person then I believe I’m less important or what I do is less valuable because it has no monetary value. Less viable.   Neither of these are true.   I consider being a musician, writer, parent, daughter, sister, friend and community member valuable. As is taking care of myself. I don’t like the word...

Silence grips the whole of me. Not like a vice, But like a hand. It gently reaches out to stop my anxiety descent. Water encases me. Not like ice on a river, But with fingers of silk. It folds over my skin, To keep my sanity afloat. Silence hugs me down. It doesn’t pin me, But sets me on my back.   My chest becomes a dance floor As hundreds of tiny sprites Ignite my heart with their steps. Love captivates me. It doesn’t suck me through a straw And swallow me alive. Like a hammock it surrounds my heart. And swings back and forth, Back and forth… Its rhythm lulls me to smile. Silence centers me. Not like a soldier ready to salute me, But like a wee bird, It slowly chips away from inside my fragile shell. And gives me fearless possibility.