A Personal Wrestling Match

Losing someone you love seems utterly impossible, inconceivable.

Our minds can’t understand the possibility. Our hearts definitely don’t.

My friend recently lost a close friend. He knew his friend was failing. But, death is another thing entirely. It’s final. A void we can’t fill. When they’re gone there’s no chance anyone can take their place.

So we grieve. We’re forced to process the fact our loved one isn’t coming back.

It affects our present, past and future. 

We reminisce about a time when they were still with us. We can’t share those memories we made together. Future events which we’ve fondly thought about sharing with them aren’t going to happen.

It’s a very personal path we take to grieve. We try to accept comfort from those who love us. Sometimes distractions seem to ease the pain. But when we look inward, it’s still there, it’s still really hard.

Compassion is always welcome. Advice on how or when to grieve isn’t helpful. It never was to me. 

I offer hugs, soft smiles, patience and love to my friend. I understand it’s painful. I don’t understand how he is feeling at any given time. He’ll have to stumble over each one of those feelings on his own and share if he wants. 

“It’s only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth—and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up—that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.”  Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I’d like to be able take his pain away. But his loss and grief may give him an open window to see his own impermanence.

I think his friend, Don, left him a gift. He struggled with the knowledge he was losing his battle with life. He must have grappled with letting go of loved ones. He turned those internal wrestling-matches over to those who carry on.

Don Blumenthal 1952-2019

The horrible things we think we’d like to shield our loved ones from may not be the poison we think. Maybe instead it nourishes. It could make them more able to deal with life. 

Life doesn't allow for a lot of shielding, anyway. It demands we face forward with our eyes open. And if those eyes are filled with tears? We are forced to see through the blur.

https://youtu.be/qZjYggYSzc8