Personal Voodoo Doll

When I was younger I could be easily led to anger if someone irked me. I use to tell myself it was the Irish Temper I was born with. 

Someone intentionally irritating me started it off, but the reaction I gave to it was really the only thing able to ignite the fire intended to burn.

I’ve learned a tremendous amount of patience over the years. But, I’ve found out it’s not only patience I need to cool my reaction. I’ve learned I can deflect the harm that may have been intentionally sent my way. It doesn’t always work, (especially when I take the harm personally). I’ve opened myself up for pain and it results in anger.

It’s like the way a shark latches onto its prey. It doesn’t release, it keeps thrashing it back and forth sinking the teeth in deeper and deeper. The pain gets set deeper and deeper and I’m in shreds.

“Just ignore it”….. I’ve given the same advice to others. Not so easy when I’m seething inside and I force myself to put on a sticks-and-stones-might-break-my-bone-face to pretend I’m unaffected. 

Easier with practice. Although I feel like a seven-year-old at times when I let it in. I’d like to belt the person trying to get my goat. I try to step back and give myself time to process what is happening inside my head, so my reaction feels less violent.

What I haven’t learned to do well is to recognize when my destructive thoughts are directed at myself. I’m the bully. The pin-poker, aiming inside my brain and heart. 

Ignoring self-inflicted harm is tough. If I walk away I take the person, the words and the harm with me. There’s no turning my back on myself to escape my thoughts.  

I picture a Maggie-Voodoo-Doll. I’m the only one who has the straight-pins used to poke into my personal doll. I give it power to unleash its harm. No one else.

This sounds very destructive and it is.  At least when another person does this to me I can use my defenses to protect myself. When I inflict hurt on myself it’s not so easy to fight back or ignore. 

Several pins can be poked into my doll before I realize - 

I’m the one inflicting the pain.

I’m letting it penetrate.

I’m accepting the control it has over me.

I have the power to make it stop. 

I can question the validity of my self-criticism.

Can we push our own buttons?  I think so.  I think we have heard and believed some un-truths about ourselves at different points in our life. These sharp, painful needles of doubt creep back and resurface when we’re tired, lonely or just feel insecure.

Or worse we believe the negative talk about ourselves and haven’t learned to questioned what we accept as naked truth. 

Here are some of my sharpest pins I’ve let penetrate:

“I’m an idiot!”

“This is impossible, I can’t do this.”

“I don’t care.”

“What I do doesn’t matter anyway.”

If I let the pricks cut through I feel sad, useless and unimportant.  The combination of the three are a deadly cocktail for depression. 

Taking care of myself is essential. Knowing when I’m my own worse-enemy is critical. Being aware of the first pricks on the surface is imperative, before I draw blood.

I also believe if blood is drawn from my own hand, I feel weaker and more vulnerable to the harm others inflict on me. I either withdraw from people or hand over the voodoo doll and give them the rest of the pins to use as they like.

I’m not saying I can’t feel sorry for myself. Or I can’t let myself grieve for the losses I’ve had and will continue to have. Life imposes crappy things on everyone.  But, I don’t need to thrash about like the shark and shred myself silly until repair needs major reconstruction.

“I’m not an idiot!”

“Nothing is impossible. I can do this!”

“I do care.”

“What I do is important.”

I have many loved ones. To be capable of giving and sharing my love I need to put my little voodoo doll and needles in a safe, dark, locked place. 

I’m thinking I could acquire a strong, impenetrable shield to deflect outside criticism, but what I do to myself is definitely more destructive.