Stain-glass Eyes

My son, Holden, is recovering from Top-Surgery in Berlin, where he lives.  His surgery was on August 15th in Bangkok, Thailand.   Holden in Thailand Prior to Surgery He looks healthy and happy.  Feeling pain and discomfort, yes.  Healing from a major surgery takes time and patience.  He’s been preparing for this for a long time, he was ready.   When we talked on the phone or Skyped, his peace and joy with having the surgery behind him comes to the forefront.  I can see him wince, adjust his body, breath deeply and even close his eyes when he is having pain (constantly).  But, I see him smile, laugh, sigh in relief and hold his new chest (which has a strong binder on, for a few more weeks) in sheer pleasure. He made it!    Holden in Post-Op Afer Top-Surgery in Bangkok Emma, who was there with Holden throughout the tough days after surgery, in Thailand, kept Elizabeth and me informed and close to Holden pre and post ...

Forging---to form, shape, make or fashion   I read this article this morning and was reminded of when Holden, Harry and I traveled to Japan during an August, years ago. http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-33792789?ocid=global_bbccom_email_06082015_top+news+stories I remember we were in Tokyo during this holiday. It gave me a sense of another country affected by tragic, historical events.  I saw how important it is every year to keep the past event alive.  The memory of loved ones alive. It seemed so far removed from my own life, my own "ethocentrism",  before I was able to experience being in Japan during this national holiday.   “Perhaps travel cannot prevent bigotry,  but by demonstrating that all peoples cry, laugh, eat, worry, and die,  it can introduce the idea that if we try and understand each other,  we may even become friends.”       Maya Angelou This memorial holiday didn't just close down businesses. ...

I just fiinished a letter to my friend, Sonya.  She moved to Baltimore a couple of months ago after living in Ann Arbor.  I met her through Holden.  He lived with Sonya for a few years in a yellow house on 7th Street. I wrote to send her a couple of my flat rocks I drew on and wrote mantras for her on the back.  I planned on writing to ask about her cat,  Yoshi,  about her up-coming kidney donation to her friend in Texas, her piano performances, about newly living with her boyfriend,  Arian,  about her mom and sister, and….. Sonya Schumann I started out fine.  Then I side-tracked and started writing to her about the huge affects transitions can have on us.  I wanted to tell her to gentle with herself.  To give herself time for adjustments.  TIme to grieve choices not taken, time to be patient and celebrate choices she’s made.  Patience to wait and see the surprises that will come to her around the corner. ...

I wanted to update this post which I wrote exactly one year and a day ago.  Holden is he.  He is him, himself, his, Holden.  A man.  It felt good to go through this old post and fix my errors in gender for him. The Little Brave, With Holden's Face I’m a person who gives a lot o thought to the "Why” of things,  I wasn’t shocked or overwhelmed when my son ,wrote me the  "Important Long Letter For You”. He started it..."Dear Most Beautiful Mom”.  The letter explained his longing to change his gender. He's planning on having  "Top Surgery" in the next six months.  He offered me links to find out more about this procedure. He didn’t hesitate to include me.  He confirmed I could absolutely be by his side, during surgery and a couple of weeks after to be a mom.  He is now Holden. Holden has continually blossomed from birth to the beautiful 23 year old, he is now.  I wanted him to have all the space he needed, to be hims...

I discarded my first language. Allowing new words to ensue. Initially I stumbled and forgot. Now they come naturally, they melt like chocolate in the hot sun. Smoother and sweeter still. Past pronouns suffocate without use. His-him-he, breathe fresh air. They give life to Holden, Strengthen and embody his gender. My accomplishment feels powerful. Holden’s past is history. Only a fragment of his whole. By pushing through his veneer, he has become himself. A Holden who was there all along. Holden’s resolve to be himself, an uncompromised person, in spite of all his obstacles, gives new depth to love  I will always have for him. His Top-Surgery is rescheduled. I want to be there, to hold his hand. Before…during…after his surgery. There to nurture, to love and be needed. My tears fall, rejecting the possibility of not being included. I am challenged to set aside my role. As mother, protector, woman of sustenance...

Shore of Lake Superiro at Whitefish Point Summertime adventures.  Seems like you get them whether you plan them or not. I recently traveled to my home-town, St. Ignace, to stay with my mom.   I’m home when I can see the bridge in the distance and begin to ride over it’s tremendous expanse.   Blue, glistening water.  Small green islands in the distance.  Mackinac Island in view on the right.  The “Turtle” looks relieved the ice has finally melted and summer is here.  His face, by the old Roundhouse lighthouse, smiles as each wave washes away the winter chill. Today Mom and I are in Paradise.  Seriously, Paradise is Paradise.  You have to plan ahead, but being here is worth the packing.  Food, warm and cold weather clothes… Mom even brought two sets of tennis shoes.  She inevitably gets one pair wet in the waves while we’re combing beaches for rocks and fun. We drove through Trout Lake and it makes me happy...

Elizabeth at Work My daughter, Elizabeth, flew in a few days ago from California.  She booked her flight with Spirit Airlines. Some of my readers may already be saying to themselves, “I know where this is going…”  I’ve heard many stories about families who have been put out by Spirit Airlines and swear, “I’ll NEVER fly Spirit again!”  Those were Elizabeth’s words, too.   Elizabeth was to fly into Detroit on Tuesday, the 16th.  Her flight was cancelled and she couldn’t reschedule a flight until Thursday-late.  Very late.  On Thursday, she still wasn’t sure if the plane would take off and the story goes on and on.  Inconvenience, frustration, anger, resentment…we both went through a barrage of emotions.  The biggest being sheer disappointment.  She arrived at 1:30 a.m. on Friday.  Seeing her exit the luggage-arrival area made my heart leap.  Nothing else mattered.  We were together and the past and ...