Aiming for Self-Preservatioon

I just fiinished a letter to my friend, Sonya.  She moved to Baltimore a couple of months ago after living in Ann Arbor.  I met her through Holden.  He lived with Sonya for a few years in a yellow house on 7th Street.

I wrote to send her a couple of my flat rocks I drew on and wrote mantras for her on the back.  I planned on writing to ask about her cat,  Yoshi,  about her up-coming kidney donation to her friend in Texas, her piano performances, about newly living with her boyfriend,  Arian,  about her mom and sister, and…..

Sonya Schumann

I started out fine.  Then I side-tracked and started writing to her about the huge affects transitions can have on us.  I wanted to tell her to gentle with herself.  To give herself time for adjustments.  TIme to grieve choices not taken, time to be patient and celebrate choices she’s made.  Patience to wait and see the surprises that will come to her around the corner.

I sealed the small package for Sonya and realized how scared I was about Holden’s scheduled surgery on August 15th.  Panicky, actually.  Unable to be there for the surgery, for the long recovery afterwards and my mind registering, “Not possible!”

I called Holden in Berlin and asked him to reassure me.  He did.  He was meeting for coffee with a friend but he took the time to reassure me.  “Mom, it will all go well.  Thailand is known for its best surgeons in top-surgery and Emma will take excellent care of me, don’t worry.”  I believe him.  I know the details and I trust Emma and his friends.  I trust Holden.

My heart isn’t always rational, though.  It’s a mom’s heart.  I’m certain a mom’s heart has contours and crevices only a mom can understand.  Mine go deep for Holden.  They started to dig their way in long before my son was delivered on August 26, 1990.   The newly developing love for Holden braided its way along the contours already there from steadfast spirals of love for Elizabeth.  She was six when Holden was born.

My mind can rationalize, though.  I wholeheartedly understand Holden’s choice to have space without me during this huge transition he’s undergoing.  I respect his choice to make it all about him and keep focused on what he needs to do in order to feel confident and grounded for his surgery and recovery.  I don’t see it as selfish.  I see it as Holden’s self-preservation.  Putting his needs as a priority.  His energies and focus must take precedence.

Knowing he’s concentrating on the focal point and keeping distractions away makes me feel more confident, less fearful of the outcome. He’s truly amazing.  When he puts his mind to accomplishing something he takes on super-hero traits. 

Holden Quin Madagame

After talking to him on the phone today I get it.  I finally get it.  I don’t have to be there.  He wants me to feel good about his decision for me to stay in the U.S. until after he recovers.  He appreciates my “Mom-ness”, yet he has to do what’s best for him.

I’ve actually had to make a conscious decision for myself in the recent past.  It’s helped me understand Holden’s motives.  I accept it’s not all about succumbing to guilt and pressure to do what’s not in our best interest.

My family had a memorial in honor of my sister Karen’s death this past weekend.  I chose not to be there with my family.  I knew months ago I couldn’t handle another family grieving gathering and ceremony.  I had to make the decision to put myself first, to focus on my emotional progress and ground myself in what I know helps my self-preservation.

The Night Before Karen Passed
(Picture I took in St. Ignace on bay)

I know from years of fighting depression my energies and focus on my health had to take precedence.  I’ve had to let go of my fear of being judged by family as selfish.  I had to do what I believed was in my best interest.  It hasn’t been easy to stick to my decision to stay away.  I need no fuel for the hopelessness-in-life I fight.  My gut was telling me not to expose myself to another funeral.

I wanted to be there to hold Mom’s elbow through the ceremonial mass, at the gravesight and when finally putting Karen to rest in St. Ignace.

I wanted to be there to hug my sisters, brothers, cousins,nephews, nieces and friends.  To feel the touch and share the tears..  I wanted to hear my niece, Jenna, share her gift of playing the saxaphone.  Family is a huge magnet.  It was hard.

Holden must have gone through similar lettings-go.  To hear the sadness in my voice and see me cry.  To listen to me say, “Nooooooo, I’m your mom,”  and still maintain he wants to do this without me there.  It’s much easier to cave than to stand firm and advocate for your own needs.

I’m very proud of his courage.  I’m proud of my courage.  We are made of strong stuff.  We can be kind, loving, compassionate and selfless for others and still keep our self-preservation in focus when making decisions. 

 Feelings of guilt?  Feeling judged? Any disturbing recriminations of selfishness?  You decide.  If I have my eye on the target and I’m ready to pull back the bow and take aim, will I need hands grasping my arms causing distraction and keeping me from hitting the bullseye?