Conjecture and Story-Telling

My son, Holden, is recovering from Top-Surgery in Berlin, where he lives.  His surgery was on August 15th in Bangkok, Thailand.  

Holden in Thailand Prior to Surgery

He looks healthy and happy.  Feeling pain and discomfort, yes.  Healing from a major surgery takes time and patience.  He’s been preparing for this for a long time, he was ready.  

When we talked on the phone or Skyped, his peace and joy with having the surgery behind him comes to the forefront.  I can see him wince, adjust his body, breath deeply and even close his eyes when he is having pain (constantly).  But, I see him smile, laugh, sigh in relief and hold his new chest (which has a strong binder on, for a few more weeks) in sheer pleasure. He made it!   

Holden in Post-Op Afer Top-Surgery in Bangkok

Emma, who was there with Holden throughout the tough days after surgery, in Thailand, kept Elizabeth and me informed and close to Holden pre and post of his surgery.  Skype is a wonderful tool to lessen the stress and frustration of my not being close to Holden.  I can never repay Emma for the respect she showed for my fears and anxieties.  I wouldn’t have been able to be there without her. She will always have a place in my heart.  

Emma, With Holden In Thailand, in a Restaurant

When plans were being made before Holden’s surgery, I was skeptical. The plan was for Emma to let me and Elizabeth see Holden on Skype.  Emma was to keep me updated on his surgery and recovery.   I thought, “Yeah, good in theory, but she’ll be so busy with him and so exhausted I won’t hear from her right away.”  I needlessly worried.  I was wrong. 

I know Holden and Emma would not let me down.  But, I still was unnecessarily anxious while waiting for my son's surgery. 

My distrust of people or distrust of my self-worth can allow me have those negative thoughts.  Thoughts of not being loved, not important to the people I love.  My thinking can be irrational.  When I take a step back, I realize how irrational, sometimes. 

I’m getting better at thinking through my mind’s story and checking the facts. I don’t have to believe what I think.  I am intelligent enough to see where my thinking is originating from and how “out of whack” it can get.   

By “Stepping back” I mean taking time to assess what I know and not what my emotions can cause me to believe.  If I look at it realistically, I do trust people.  I have to trust.  Loving dictates trust. I won’t live my life without giving love or receiving it, even if it is scary for me 98% of the time.  

The fear comes from learning to feel or believe I’m insignificant.  It comes from experience I’ve had in love where my trust was broken.  Dealing with people who don’t have my best interest in their motives.  People who lie or remain silent when the truth needs to be told.  Friends who have turned their backs on me when I needed them the most.  

The fear also comes from learning not to ask for help.  From not letting friends know I need them.   Not letting them know when I’m hurt by their behavior.  Not being open with them and letting myself hurt silently instead. 

It’s possible for me to be hurt again and again.  It’s okay.  I can handle it.  

What I can’t handle is not allowing myself be vulnerable.  I don’t want to choose to be alone because I won’t extend trust to those I love or to others.  I choose to live and be happy.  At least to give myself the chance at happiness by opening myself up.  Storms will hit and I will be caught off guard at times.  I’m choosing to live with the possibility.  

My self-talk and doubt caused undo anxiety for myself.  Emma had Skype ready while Holden was in pre-op and in post-op.  They both wanted what I wanted. Emma was exhausted and very busy but took the time to make sure Holden and I got to talk.

The event I couldn’t possibly prepare for happened, unexpectedly.  My anxiety could have been much worse. A bomb went off in Bangkok two days after Holden’s surgery while they were still there.  http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-33963280

Holden sent an email right away,

Hi, Guys, It looks like there was an explosion in Bangkok right in the central square about 15 minutes ago, and I just wanted to let you guys know that Emma and I are completely fine. We're very far away from the center, and basically in a suburb, so we're blissfully unaffected.  Love you all,  Holden”

I will never be able to list all the possibilities of being caught off guard.   So, when I find myself worrying and anxious about situations I am aware of, I don’t want to give myself up to them emotionally by double-guessing, conjecture and story-telling. I want to be able to take them at face-value and see them through to the other side before I waste my energy worrying. 

I want Holden and Emma to trust me.  What could be more powerful than trusting them? If I am distrustful they aren’t going to say, “Oh, she’s just being irrational and needs to believe in herself.”  They’re going to say, “She’s being an ass, we had every intention of following through with her, why couldn’t she trust us?” 

How quickly communication between loved ones breaks down.  How easily our irrational fears become fuel for our irrational behavior.  What I think DOES affect how I act.  So my thinking needs thorough examination before I act on it.  Especially when my thinking isn’t true. 

Happy Birthday, Son.  I love you.