Sounds Simple

 

 

Some communication between people is straight forward. Much isn’t. There are SO many factors in the mix: 

1. assumptions by speaker and listener 
2. mind-reading fantasy 
3. body language 
4. outside interruptions 
5. word choices 
6. tone/volume of voice
7. speaker interrupted by listener 
8. silence

I’d like to listen more, clarify more and forget the thought “I know what they mean”. Better to think, “I hope I understand” and ask if what I heard is what they intended. I believe there are times when no clarification is needed because the speaker needs to speak period. I don’t really put that in the category of communication. To me when two people communicate it’s to get an idea or thoughts across. Sounds simple. (Heeehhheee, not so much)

A few days ago I started to type my blog-post from Marquette, Michigan in a hotel. I had just seen a father with his four-year-old child in the breakfast area while I drank my coffee in the corner of the room.

“Do you want some cereal?” The father asks.  

The child shakes his head no.

“There’s muffins and pastry and even granola bars!” The father explains with enthusiasm to the child.

“No.”  Pause…  ”Look Dad! There’s a painting!”

“There’s even oatmeal,” Dad suggests.

“No”, he said as he backed away from the breakfast table display still looking at the painting above the pre-packaged pastries, cereal and muffins.

“Lets just take this,” the father said as he grabbed a small package of Fruit Loops and held it up toward the kid, “Are you sure you don’t want anything here?”

“No, I’m okay, Dad, I’m thirsty,” he replied with both hands palms-up by his waist. He slowly backed further away from the table and turned toward the exit. The father took the Froot Loops with them.

 

A short interaction. Did the father expect a certain reply? He acted like he didn’t accept the no. He did accept it after four negative replies.

I think I get the father’s view at the time…he wants his child to eat something. The breakfast comes with the room, he may end up paying for something later when the child is not just thirsty but hungry, too. He didn’t verbalize this, so it’s unclear. When he grabs “Something in case” it looks like he’s making sure he has some backup. It also looks like he thinks the child’s “No”, is unreliable. Hopefully the child doesn’t feel like his answers don’t mean anything to an adult.

There isn’t always time to explain or debate what needs to be communicated. I realize this and I also have found it pays to take the time anyway and let the kid be heard. I remember the times when I’ve discussed something with my children in a public place and the dialog made me blush. As in Art Linkletter’s show “Kids Say the Darndest Things”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPQpVetcxIk   see video 

Assumptions in conversations seem to increase if there is a time-crunch. 

If I expect a certain answer it’s easy to find cues that match my prediction. If I stick to my expectation I’m not really actively listening. It works better for me to ask questions to check and see if I’m hearing what I think I’m hearing.

 

The tone of voice something is said in or the lack of eye contact feel like words to me. I bristle at words when someone says something to me and I feel their body language intimidating or they’re controlling the conversation. 

Maybe I’m already loaded with defense so my responses change. (Or…I degrade the conversation quickly-which is how I feel-degraded) By this time I’m on high-alert and flight from conflict is a direction I head. Like a Monarch butterfly in a strong wind, I choose branches with many leaves to reduce tension.

When I was younger I chose flight instead of a show of weakness by tears or anger. My frustration and tension with authority was poisonous and unhealthy. I learned but not without a lot of practice and determination.

To concede rather than feel inferior, uncertain or afraid did me no favors. 

I’ve learned some important lessons in my growth. Not to say years of learned behavior still doesn’t cripple my ability to communicate what I want when I want. I appreciate eye contact, softened body language and time (without interruption) to communicate. I try to do the same for others.

I like to ask for time to think about my opinions or decisions and set a conversation for a future time if it’s possible. My anger and tears aren’t always realistic and I’m not sure where they come from sometimes. If I take time to process it really helps.

Lastly…silence. Riches fall like pennies from Heaven if we allow silence in conversations. But, it could also feel like large meteorites falling if our minds spin the story of our own in the reprieve of silence. 

Every day I work to save energy from my unsolicited help to think for another person and guess what they’ll say next. I can use it to listen with an open mind and heart. (Sorry I had to add heart, it’s part of the communication formal or informal) I really mean…listen with compassion too.

“You can have regret from yesterday, fear tomorrow, 

but peace today by sharing your heart’s deepest feelings. 

A life spent being fearful of showing your soul

 is a life not worth living.” – Shannon Alder

Thank you for reading...