How To Quantify Family - Love

Dolphins live in pods, geese in a gaggle, a herd of buffalo and bees in colonies. Humans group in families.

We seem to have this instinct embedded deep inside us driving us to seek family. It throbs like the sound of a river pulsating in the spring, full and powerful, pushing its presence against the shore it travels. Do you ever feel the pull? 

Amnicon State Park

Scores of family celebrations exist around the world. They’ve emerged because of season changes, religious events, family milestones and calendar years. They bring significance to belonging to a group. 

I put a lot of holidays on my calendar out of habit. I can’t let go of the thought of some of them, whether I participate or not. They’re loaded with childhood memories and memories of raising my own children. It’s interesting how some songs and food go with certain holidays and bring memories to the forefront. 

I think they also create expectations. The “Shoulds” linked to family-time. Maybe it’s going to a religious service. Baking cookies. Decorating eggs. Singing carols. Is the draw for us wanting to be a family or have the events been created to draw us nearer to family? Giving us a purpose to be with family. I LOVE to go carolling the question is where? Do we know enough people within walking distance to sing to them? Will they answer the door? Will they give us cookies and hot chocolate? Will there be snow?

Covid put a standstill to family gatherings for the most part. It gave pause in traditions we’ve worked so hard to maintain. It gave us a chance to decide what we intended for ourselves and our immediate family. It gave me a chance to think about those who have no family to group with. 

Members of families die, some are ostracized, divorced, live far away or are estranged. Who fills the void? Where are the people who will become family? 

One dictionary definition for family is: “any group of people closely related by blood or marriage, as parents, children, uncles, aunts and cousins”. 

This seems lacking. Considering we gravitate toward family in order to belong. Does family need a criteria?

I grew up in a large family, a vibrant neighborhood and a Catholic social structure. It wasn’t difficult to be part of a group. In fact it was a mold I was born into.

Moving away from my roots has been a big learning curve for me over the years. As a young person I was easily identified as belonging to a certain family in the small town I grew up in. More than half of my school years I attended a Catholic school. All the nuns knew what family I came from and my birth order.

I think I had an over-sized sense of belonging. Either in town, in school or in my family. It gave me confidence in who I was and where I came from. What I came to realize (and I’m still learning) my certainty of belonging didn’t apply elsewhere.

I had to modify my construct of belonging. Not always by choice and other times I threw myself into unknown territory. Eventually it expanded my view of family. 

I am always enlightened by the words of Maya Angelo, 

“You only are free when you realize you belong no place — you belong every place — no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great…I belong to myself. I’m very proud of that. I’m very concerned of how I look at Maya. I like Maya very much.”

I hope I can be more open-minded about ties with others. How I fit in a group. Traditional thoughts on what constitutes family isn’t realistic. It’s too narrow and leaves too many individuals out of the group. It feels rigid and limiting to the point of controlling. In my mind narrow categories (religion, social structure, geographical region or family) are designed to normalize. There’s judgement on what lies outside the “normal” criteria. The model leaves many of us out of the cut, we don’t fit.

When there’s a “Norm” we judge ourselves. Fear comes in and asks, “Why am I outside of the bubble? Why don’t I belong?” 

We need to see family in a broader construct. Marriage, religion, community and blood ties are as obsolete as castles and motes.  I see it more as what intention do you bring to those areas? Each suggest action not a steadfast institution.

We want to belong. We need love and connection. Neither are as ready made as we think. We evolve and change.  I intend to keep adding family members…with love.