Untangling

We do not need magic to change the world, we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already: we have the power to imagine better.” - J.K. Rowling

Have you ever tried to untangle the headphones that come with an iPhone? They have rubbery, stick-to-each-other quality in the wire coating. No matter how nicely I put them away, when I need them they’re all tangled. I’m dumbstruck at how I keep reaching for them.

Yesterday when I tried to untangle them before my walk, it made me think of how I do the same thing with some of my old thinking. Old strategies I reach for even when they don’t work for me anymore (or never did). They aren’t useful and cause a lot of stress.

I want to share two of them.

*SILENCE*

I’ve learned this one well…when I want to talk to someone about something they said or did that has caused me pain or discomfort I let it slide. I clam up.

It doesn’t work out issues with another person. Frankly, it’s not very respectful of another to not tell them what has caused a problem. The elephant stays in the room. When this happens the elephant seems to give me the stink-eye when I choose silence over communication.

The old voice in my head promises me, “It’s easier this way”. NO! It is not easier, it only causes more grief in the long run rather than relief and resolution.

So much of my life I didn’t know I deserved to set healthy boundaries. In my formative years, and beyond, the social norm for a woman was to keep her mouth shut. 

“Don’t be a bitch.” 

“Who asked you?” 

“Who do you think you are?”

Or even worse - dismissal and being ignored entirely. 

How can anyone get clarification about issues if they don’t speak up? I certainly don't want to think I’m correct in my thinking by bouncing things around in my mind without any feedback…hmmm…not healthy at all! 

*Escape*

When I feel overwhelmed or intimidated by another person I want to run. This strategy is my old friend, too. It doesn’t often serve me well. I realize it’s a “Fight or Flight” reaction but it’s also silence. It keeps conversations one-sided. If I escape I haven't given myself the chance to have a voice.

When I want to escape my mind isn't telling me to find out what the person’s intent is. There may be something else behind what I’m perceiving as intimidation. Maybe I can learn something about myself and the other person if I step back and take time to think and clarify what the speaker wants to tell me rather than bolt. 

I see how the two of these old strategies of mine are intertwined. I also see them as unhealthy if I want to evolve as I age. If I'm to continually learn and grow as a person I need to be open to new ideas. I want to be able to exchange ideas without fear.  

Practice does help me communicate in healthier ways. Being alive I still have my place on this planet. My fellow human beings do too so in small ways, every day, I’m changing communication for all of us when I change my old thinking. 

There is power in silence and listening. There are times when turning and leaving a conversation makes sense. But, not if I feel I'm less me. That's the time for me to dig up some courage and find new and healthy ways to communicate.