Life Sneaks Up
I spent most of the weekend at my brother’s place in South-Eastern Michigan. My niece had a couple of days off from school for “Winter” break. It really wasn’t a break. She had her wisdom teeth out.
When I see someone with such a vibrant life-force compromised by surgery, illness or life-stresses, it hits me in the heart.
Jenna is in Winter Guard at school and is physically fit. She gets her schoolwork done. Almost in her spare time, considering how much she has to practice for this competitive sport. (I’m calling it a sport, it should be!!! The way the twist and turn, dance and throw those flags, swords and guns is phenomenal!)
When she came out from the room, at the dental surgery office, I had to swallow hard to keep from crying. All I could think is how fragile our bodies, our minds and lives are!
A close friend of mine is trying to recover from cancer (among other setbacks). When I talk to her on the phone I hear the fatigue and frustration in her voice. It grabs me in a way that’s hard to explain. I want to cry and I want to scream at Life. “Leave her alone! Haven’t you created enough damage? Back off!!!”
I’m reminded of the fragility of life.
I’ll join my chorale to sing at a funeral this weekend, to celebrate the life of a past member. She was in her nineties and left this life peacefully. Her time wasn’t really taken from her. We all know there is an inevitable end. Her time was spent.
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| Jewish Cemetery in Prague |
It feels like we’re taken from this world when we're extracted from our normal life. There are times when we can't join in functions, socialization, physical activities or from sharing our life with others. It’s like a part of our fragile-self has broken off and needs serious help.
It’s impossible not to relate these events to myself. How quickly Life can put it’s hand on our shoulder and say, “Sorry, I just wanted to remind you. I will sneak up at you at any time and take the wind out of you, so don’t assume you have time to play and do the things you want to do.”
Lately I’ve felt alone, disoriented, fragile and emotionally sensitive. I know it’s from a recent breakup, but knowing doesn’t help snap it away.
I love to travel, play, create, write, read, sing and keep my body healthy. Big agendas. When I waste time feeling sad or self-absorbed, I feel guilty I've used energy on things that aren’t a priority. (Things charted in . my Bullet Journal)
I’ve tried to balance that guilt with the reality of taking time to heal, rest and enjoy my serenity. None of my goals will be accomplished without taking time to enjoy my solitude.
Most of us are taught not to waste time. Keep busy. Do something!! The word lazy sometimes pops up in my self-incriminating-talk.
It’s time I know I will never recover. I also know my time is better used if I don’t fog it up with guilt, or judge myself negatively. I don’t believe it’s wasted time. Time isn’t something we can get back. But, it’s used in a healthier way minus the guilt or regret.
I believe if I don’t take time to heal, my existence will not get better. It will take longer to feel strong. Longer means “Time”.
I’m sixty-one. I’ve lived a life loaded with experiences. But I’m not going let my age mess up my concept of time. I have plenty of adventures to experience. Or I don't.
Life will stop me without my consent. But I want to use that knowledge to propel me to live now.
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