Silenced by My Hesitation

“Who are you?  A distance voice questions me.

Inner-Me shutters from the sound.

No time to think.  If my reply isn’t instant it becomes relentless, “Who are you?!”

The tone is clear. I feel its judgement. I cower in shame.  My insecurities awaken.

I force myself to remember, 

It’s me who gives it the key used to unlock my ear.

The power I give away pushes me down.

Bullies me into submission.

I’ve ordained it Master!

My willingness to yield to society’s norms, bar-lines and expectations,

Places the crown neatly on its head.

The instant it gains power, 

My strength and convictions waiver.

I feel silenced from my hesitation.

The more I look outside myself for control, 

The stronger my fear becomes,

I sanction its invasiveness. 

And slowly begins my suffocation.

My inner voice hides, dormant, in the shadows.

Me withholding has left it un-nurtured, neglected.

Me, the only ear it has, has left it abandoned.

The bully senses weakness.

It tightens its hold to strangle.

My uncertainty,

My lack of clarity,

Unleashes its offensive power to shove me to the ground.

Looking up at this towering threat,

I feel my will surface.

A battery of arrows shoot out from me in retaliation.

Strengthened by my convictions,

I forgot I possessed power.

Aimed to disarm the Master,

they reach their mark.

The wounds force it to fall to its knees.

My inner voice breathes and the strangle-hold is released.

Who am I?

I am wounded.

I am imperfect.

I take risks.

I leave myself open to pain.

Without passivity,

but with purpose to live.

I am independent.

I am passionate.

I am strong.

I will fight.  

I will be vigil.

Who am I?

I am a giver.

I am a lover.

I participate in life.

I won’t be silenced.

I will not give my power away.

I am my own master!

I will die,

But not from suffocation.

Not from a bully’s hands.

Who am I?

Always it remains to be seen.

I evolve as I listen.

My voice will receive my attention.

My voice will breathe in a warrior’s freedom.

The breath out will be of hope - not fear.

Possibility-not passivity.

Joy-not apathy.