Diverted Depression in November

NaNoWriMo (National November Writing Month)  has been a challenge again to write 50,000 words in thirty days. https://nanowrimo.org

50,000 words can seem intimidating, especially when I skipped writing for a day or two.  The panic hit when I kept seeing there were fewer days left to get the novel finished.  But I accomplished my goal.  Today is the last day of November and I’ve written 50,000 words.  

After I Iost a friend to death this month, I didn’t think I could write.  And when the election results came in on the same day as my friend’s funeral, I felt I was grieving two-fold. 

My brain was full of sadness.  The sadness permeated all my power to think.  It felt like my thoughts had been put into an apple press and it had mashed up everything, leaving me with liquid.

When I began writing, for the NaNoWriMo challenge, I’d look at my computer screen, put my fingers on the keyboard and nothing.  No ideas, no desire, no brain.

Then my character, Myan appeared.  I started writing about her.  My writing became a place I could escape to, rather than a task I wanted to escape from!  

It doesn’t surprise me now the main character in my novel is depressed.  But thirty days ago I didn’t know why I chose for her to be depressed.  What does surprise me is I didn’t realize how cathartic it could be to put some of my feelings into a character.  Myan needed me and I jumped at the chance to save her time after time.  

Keeping Myan alive in my novel was also a good reason to shut myself off from people and go inside Myan’s life.  The life I created for her. I thought for her, defended her, kept her alive and wracked my brain to make sure she got a fair shake (sometimes) along the way.

Writing helped.  It helped dig me out of this dragging bout of depression I’ve been experiencing.  When I fought and cried for Myan, I fought and cried for myself.  When she was angry and disillusioned, I was too.  When the story nears the end, I see there’s hope.  I created the hope for Myan.  I found I could control something!  

I know from experience, I can’t predict life.  But, I do create my own life around the unpredictable.  

The main character in my life is me.  I create purpose for myself.  I bring about the changes needed to help me cope and be happy.  

To divert depression I have to intentionally look ahead and arrange meaningful events in my life.  It also makes practical sense to adjust or snuff out events in my life that hurt me or set me back.

Painting is Meaningful to Me

Can I avoid being depressed by finding meaning to life?  I don’t think so.  The diversions don’t keep depression from wiggling its way back .  But when I choose diversions which help me feel good about myself, I have the winning edge.  There’s less of a chance of succumbing to it’s power.  

Things happen.  Floods displace.  Wars kill.  Humans treat other humans like scum.  Disease strikes.  Age causes us to grow old.  Sound depressing?  Hell yes!  

But joy waits for me to grab it and hang on.  

This morning, I heard Suzie singing “I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Clause”, behind the counter at Washtenaw Dairy.

Suzie is Fun and Inspires Me

This afternoon I was eating sweet potato fries with a friend I met for lunch. 

Yesterday, I reestablished an old friendship and really listened with new ears. 

A week ago, I sat with my mom, watching the snow fall outside her window.

Snow in St. Ignace-Day Before Thanksgiving
(Outside of Bentley's)

Last night, I rehearsed (and laughed) with my chorale in the Church of the Good Shepherd. 

Some things happen unexpectedly.  Some happen because I intend to allow good things to happen to me.  I don’t want to miss the unexpected, simple beauty of things.  I need them to counteract the beast of things.  

At this moment I write to tell you, there is hope.  We are the morning, noon and night of things.  Like this postcard I got in Germany.  I keep it on my bulletin board.