I'm Precious and So is Time

It doesn’t just terrorize the city, state, province or country.  It terrorizes the world.

Whether it comes from fear, hate or hopelessness inside someone, if it’s not communicated, shared and resolved within humanity, it spouts up to destroy.  

For me it destroys my faith, my confidence, my serenity.  I have a hard time concentrating and being focused on my day to day life when terror and destruction seeps in.  

We are all watching.  It’s impossible not to witness the death, fear, and destruction.  It’s hard not to feed into the fear.  

When I see people get hurt or wounded or even hear about it I want to help.  I want to heal them in some way.  It sounds righteous, but I mean it more in a way of comfort for those who have lost someone.  Helping to heal the heart of someone who had their life (as they knew it), stripped away by the death of a loved one.  Or maybe many loved ones.

Ataturk Airport- June 2016

Terror appears in more ways than humans bombing humans and humans shooting humans.  It comes from out-of-control forest fires, unexpected and uncontrollable floods.  It comes from people divorcing people, countries divorcing countries and silence permeating amongst countries, between individuals and within families.

California Fires-June 2016

Floods in Virginia- June 2016 

I believe wounds open up in all of us by these events.  No matter how far removed we are all, we are continually connected.  We can build a fence, a community, a busyness to shut out the negative.  But terror and pain doesn’t know it isn't suppose to have the ability climb any fence, any gated community, any busy individual life.  It jumps over any of these obstacles like a deer over a six foot fence.  It sprouts wings and invades us.

For myself I need to admit I get torn apart by other humans suffering.  In spite of the uncomfortable emotions that go with this, I don’t want to deny it exists.  It only increases the intensity and duration in my emotions.  Then it’s easier for me to get angry.  Quicker for me to feel helpless.

I can’t refuse to accept the truth about humans hurting humans.   I’m forever redefining what it means to me personally.  

When I heard about the destruction, death and terror in the Orlando massacre I felt a punch-in-the-stomach of despair.  How would I feel if my son, Holden, would have been out celebrating the night terror hit the Pulse Nightclub?

How would I move forward?  The grief is inconceivable to comprehend.

When I heard about the terror, death and suffering at Ataturk Airport in Istanbul, I felt fear personally.  My heart lurched to think Elizabeth could have been at the Airport picking up a relative or a friend, or traveling somewhere to a conference in Turkey.  

I do not want to outlive my children.  No way!  It isn’t something a parent is wired for.  It was difficult enough to lose my husband.  I know he was lucky enough to have “9-lives”,  like a cat.  He used every one of them.  The tenth one just came and zapped him from our life and somehow the reality has to be absorbed.   

The latest world events I’ll eventually absorb, too.  It’s certain.  We’re all connected.  We are all vulnerable.  We are all human.  

Life is fragile.  I hate it!  But I finally come to grips and rationalize there are no guarantees.  I feel defeated whether there’s an enemy fighting a war against me or not.  It’s life.  The other side is death.   

In between?  I’ll be loving, living and sharing a whole lot of compassion to lift myself out from behind the dugout.  Being in the line of fire affects me, yes.  I think it affects everyone.  We can try indifference.  We can try to be separate.  We can pretend we will live forever.  That can  be the real enemy.  The big lie-- All is good.  All is happy. 

I am not powerless.  I can take the distortions each day and reconfigure them.  I can walk without fear.  As I live I know my existence comes with a responsibility.

I am responsible for the time I have.  I’m responsible for the present.  My existence is precious.  Happiness isn’t made like a sand castle on the beach.  It’s a combination of things I choose each day.   

I choose to be awake and recognize happiness.   I choose to do the work (DTW) to be happiness-healthy.  I choose to limit the negative forces in my life.  I choose to do the work to keep my body healthy.  I choose to defy being terrorized and caged in fear.   I choose not see time as limited. 

"I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.

"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."  J.R.R. Tolkien

Power isn’t taken from us, We relinquish it.