Not Smack-Dab in Front of Me

I’ve returned from a long stay in the U.P. with my mom and here I sit at my favorite spot, at the Washtenaw Dairy.  I have a spot at the end of a long cafeteria-like table.  I always face the “Featured” table which across from mine, where all the cronies sit.  They have for many, many years.  

The seats are much more than cafeteria-style.  They’re black, cushioned (seat and back), comfortable and to-my-height level.  They lean back a bit, allowing some relaxation when I’m writing on my laptop.  Next to me, on the table, sits a black and white, wooden cow.  It holds sugar packets and long, skinny straws for stirring coffee.  It’s hugged up next to a black, napkin dispenser.

I had an entire blog ready to post a week ago.  It included my adventures with my mom and my family in St. Ignace.  When I read it over it seemed superficial.  Not unimportant, but nothing that took an enormous amount of reflection on my part.  Certainly easier writing for me, more like journal entries.

Easier because I don’t have to put any formula together to figure out things.  I don’t have to get past the blind stare in front of me.  I don’t actually have to see beyond the stain-glass to journal.  I can see just what is in front of me.

Writing has been my one, magic pill.  It helps me to quit staring and accept whatever muddled picture I see beyond what is smack-dab in front of me.

I dodge many factors in managing my life.  I’m a pro. Deny, repress, procrastinate, adjust, conveniently forget, throw tizzy-fits, immerse myself into mindless activity or spend indefinite amounts of time reinventing what I want out of life.

These pro-level, life tactics are forestalling my future intentions.  I’ve been unconsciously refusing to engage with my past.  

How is it possible to disengage with the past?  It’s actually not possible.  Dreams, unconscious tension and latent feelings creep up in spite of my efforts.  Without reflection I’m doomed to be affected by the past whether I hate it or not.  Whether I want to sort it out———it waits for me, it hovers over me like a honey bee, ready to sting if I’m not careful.

The complexity of this comes with the affect it has my future.  I haven’t been able to be good of a manager without creating some type of solid emotional foundation.  Jelly for a foothold isn’t working.  

I could emphatically tell you that I don’t have to!  I don’t want to! I don’t see any reason to!  I could explain to you I’ve managed all the past.  I have these secure, perfect boxes fashioned with secure locks.  I’ve put them neatly in a row.  Side by side in a sweet-smelling meadow, in my mind, like rows of honey-bee boxes.  

Each hold separate colonies of my past.  They don’t get mixed up with one another.  I have control of them all.  I know each and every one.  I haven’t intended to open them.  Why expose my consciousness to any pain from the past when I can horde the boxes and proudly move on?

But…. I want to look for closure.  

No, I take that back, it’s time.  It has nothing to do with what I want short term.  I believe if I take the time to gain closure on these fractioned parts of my life, I will be free to move on.  I won't have to horde the memories or the wounds.  I will let them heal.

My secure, perfect boxes of honeybees are getting out of control. The more stubbornly I ignore them the more annoying their buzzing around my head becomes.

I’ve tried by not trying.  I’m tiring from not trying.  It’s obvious to me my bee-keeping days are near an end.  I need help letting the bees free. Freeing myself from latent affects of neglect.  What I thought was excellent management of my perfect hives.

Typical quotes about repressing the past:

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My first attack is to learn some basic management for today.  My daughter recently send me this blog.  They couldn’t have come at a better time.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/critical-things-you-must-quit-doing-now-more-dr-travis-bradberry

Short excerpt from blog: 

Albert Einstein said that insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. Despite his popularity and cutting insight, there are a lot of people who seem determined that two plus two will eventually equal five. The fact is simple: if you keep the same approach, you’ll keep getting the same results, no matter how much you hope for the opposite. If you want different results, you need to change your approach, even when it’s painful to do so.  

I believe my refusal to look back and find closure is affecting me.  I’ve opened one hive recently and it attacked me with a vengeance. I wasn’t prepared for the impact.  I sincerely thought not dealing with past issues was one of my strongest character traits.  I’m a survivor.  

Avoidance isn't always a good survival tactic.