Why the Rebellion?
I’ve been wanting to write about the complexity of avoidance, (things we write on a small paper or a hope-to-remember mental list).
I’d like to understand what makes avoidance prowl around all day. Writing seems to force me think through things. I don’t always find solutions, but I run into more self-awareness and less hiding it SO deeply under my consciousness.
I can be hopeless as getting water through a frozen water pipe.
Where do I start? Maybe it’s a good time to get a cup of coffee. A good time to check my email? Or, better yet, I could to for a walk. The day goes by so quickly and it will be dark soon.
It’s only noon, so there’s no chance of it getting darker than this gray, over-cast, damp day, very soon. I've already have a hot, cup of Latte sitting next to me on the counter. I’m waiting at the mall for an appointment at the Apple Store to get my stupid computer looked at, so I won’t be going for a walk.
It’s easy to get distracted in this common-area in the mall. There are massive, black massage chairs, many, many moving strollers, several adults checking their phones for “stuff”, overly loud, obnoxious music playing, people meeting each other for lunch or for meetings. I just got asked by a young, African American man if I was Mary Ann. She was close by and waved him over to Mrs. Field’s cookie counter.
I stayed in bed longer than usual this morning. The blankets were keeping me warm and I hated to get up and get at all the things I had to do.
The key words in my last sentence are “Have to”. When I did get up I wasn’t too bouncy. I already had a list facing me on a stool where I sit with my first cup of coffee. The list didn’t shrink over night. I was sighing at facing the tasks I had to get done.
When I looked closely at the narrow list, with two chickens on the bottom (It’s really for grocery lists), I immediately crossed out two of the tasks. They were accomplished yesterday. Which means, as a list maker, I needed to rewrite my list for today. (If you’re not a compulsive list-maker you may not understand) I chose a yellow pad of paper (no chickens) and rewrote each item. Funny how it didn’t get the tasks done. Mmmmm…..how many years have I known that but haven’t acknowledge the fact.
I didn’t have “Write” on the list? It was on my mental list, though. As I wait for my Apple appointment I’m glad I have my writing. I enjoy it and time evaporates when I write. That’s why I made sure to set my phone alarm in case I write right through my one o’clock appointment.
Honestly, laundry isn’t a big deal. I can do laundry while I get some other things done on my list. I also get some extra exercise running up and down three flights of stairs to put money in the machines for washing and drying.
Nothing will implode if I don’t get #5 and #6 on the list done today. There’s little chance I’ll forget, either. The recycle bag and things to go down to my storage are right in my way by the door.
The hardest one for me is - Clean off desk and go through paperwork
I could easily clean off my desk. A 8X2 bin to fit everything in would do the job. But going through the paperwork takes thought and decision making. The process I use is stacking. A stack for medical paper work. One for correspondence. A stack for things to copy. A stack for….Oh, no, another list! Stacking only prolongs the inevitable. It’s doing something about each stack. Did I mention I tape lists to each other and tape the list to the edge of my desk?
I think if I was employed, if I had a boss who was waiting for my work to be turned in, I’d be up out of bed and off and running for the whole day. I thought about this as I stayed under the covers this morning, wondering what really motivates me to get up.
Using these words don’t help my motivation:
I Should… I Have to… I Need to…
My childish mind seems to instantly rebel. It takes over my mature mind and starts talking to me. “No, I don’t have to" "I can do it later!” “I don’t want to!” Reasoning just spews out when I hear my inner self being demanding.
Could it be because I was never able to say those things in answer to Mom and Dad telling me to do something? Or the nuns in school? Or my older siblings? I’m pretty sure I have a good picture of what would have happened if I had said, “I don’t want to” to any of them. Honestly I didn’t like to displease, so even if it had crossed my mind, it was unlikely. (so much for blaming others for my poor focus)
Why the rebellion? I’m still figuring it out. I’m learning about myself and some of my rebellion is my personal choice. I’ve realized quite a few things about myself. So when the “I should wash my car” comes up, I don’t stop all the things I’m doing and obediently follow the internal command. I think it through and think about priorities.
I’m not just talking about work-priorities. I’m talking about giving myself permission to have fun, read, write, study, relax and exercise.
I’m learning I don’t need the consent of others to make a decision. I have different priorities. I am my own person. It might sounds like I’m a balanced person. I have all the blocks stacked up so they don’t tumble over. Not true. I haven’t conquered the rigid judge residing inside me. The one with the long, black robe. The judge I personally appointed boss of me.
So, it’s getting down to looking more critically at what power I give to my unyielding judge. My judge has immobilized me, frightened me, made me feel like a child, dominated my decisions, held me captive to irrational thinking and made me feel I’m on the defense rather than a team member.
Analyzing helped me. I've come to some conclusions. Tasks don’t take a lot of time. They take less time than the procrastination steps I take to avoid the task. I see child-like responses streaming out of me in response to doing the jobs on my list.
I’m experimenting with some motivational strategies. They seemed to work on many of my first graders. I think it’s finding what I want to do. What I love to do. If I can name them I can use them. They could be a reward for completing tasks I don’t want or love to do.
I remember Mrs. Traylor (my son Holden’s multi-age, classroom teacher), figured out he would do anything if he could get on the computer when he was done. On top of that motivation Holden figured out if he got his work done quickly and accurately he’d be the first one to get on the only computer in the room.
It was fascinating, really. Who knew he was capable? He just didn’t seem ready to do the first grade work. He started to concentrate on his work and he develop strong work habits. He graduated high school valedictorian.
Acquiring habits is part of the whole picture. Having something fun to look forward to when you’re done (without the guilt) is too. I can see the tasks I didn’t think I wanted to do or loved to do, are not so bad. Many are surprisingly enjoyable.
Another discovery—it’s not possible for all rewards can be instant. I’m capable, I’m intelligent. I can be mature enough to follow through on what it takes to attain my long-term goals. I’ve done it successfully in the past and I’ve been unsuccessful many times, too.
Who says I can't make my own ten commandments? (since I’m Master List-maker)
I Thou shalt tune into the present as well as the future
II Thou shalt change your mind if the task is only important to others
III Honor your self and priorities fit for you
IV Judge not rigidly yourself
V Remember avoidance takes much longer than completion
VI Do not covet more than you are willing to balance in your life
VII Keep rational thought above your childish, irrational lies
VIII Thou Shalt be true to yourself
IX No one is the boss of you
X Thou shalt not condemn yourself if your task isn’t completed by the end of the day.
One last thought for my readers. I'm sorry for all the loved ones of Shirley Goudreau. She's walked on and they all grieve their loss. My condolences.
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