CC = Controversy and Compromise

Sometimes I wear items with peace signs on them.  I feel good when I wear them.  I don’t really think anyone can tell what the peace sign means to me when they see them on me.  Any more than I could know when I see one engraved in a sidewalk, put up in lights or on a bumper sticker on the back of a car.  

When I was younger (much younger), it was often associated with Hippies, rebels and non-conformists.  More importantly, it was a symbol of war-less-ness.  

Now I think the symbol has a more trendy association and has become translucent.  

I remember having a similar conversation in October, with my daughter, Elizabeth,, about the symbolic pink ribbon for breast cancer.  She was tired of seeing it commercialized and weakened by marketing campaigns, especially the bombardment of the symbol during National Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

I agree it’s important for corporations to donate to cancer research but it’s hard to see a pink ribbon on a corporation known for sexism and unfair practices toward women.  The one that bothered me most was the restaurant chain, Hooters. 

So, maybe my peace signs have a diluted message. But to me they are everyday reminders to be tolerant of human differences.  I like to think of them as a bumper sticker on me stating,
                  “ Only peace will save our planet, our society and ourselves.”

Even suggesting peace can ignite conflict.  Peace most likely means something has to be compromised.  Many aren’t willing to compromise.  And real compromise takes discussion, understanding and mutual agreement.  It takes an element of meeting someone half-way.

In the past compromise for me meant:

• My opinion isn’t important, I’ll give in, (even if I don’t agree)
• I give up, it’s too difficult, I hate to fight (fear of anger/violence)
• I’m not sure of my opinion and feel pressure to know all sides immediately 
• I’ll agree with the compromise now and figure out the reasons my opinion differs later
• Conflict isn’t feminine or lady-like (VERY old-fashioned, but part of my past-learning)
• Agreeing is more important than debating (especially if it’s a controversial issue)

I’ve spent a majority of my life trying to avoid conflict.  Not just walking away from a fight, but not venturing in far enough to feel threatened.  I gave in to opposition, losing the chance to express myself.  

I use to think being a “Peacemaker” was a noble characteristic.  “I’m nice. I’m sweet.  I’m not rocking the boat.  I’m diffusing the situation so all will be normal.”

NORMAL?  Is losing my allotted space in society normal?  Is staying quiet or agreeing with the majority normal?  Does it help anything?  Or does it give my power to someone else?  It would be like I’ve said, “Pass” because I don’t want to risk anything.

I can see how anger, resentment and further self-recrimination follows when giving up on convincing others to back down.  Just to keep the peace?  Or to keep the facade of peace.  Do I need to give up my self-respect to agree?

I’m discovering compromise isn’t one person dominating the decision.  It takes every person involved to discuss, understand and agree in order to achieve compromise.

Mom's Little Friar Tucks on Her Mantle

Some conflicts are easy to resolve.  Some take time.  I’m learning to dig deeper into my personal values so I can see clearer what I stand for and what I stand against. 

I’m learning to watch other people resolve conflict.  They seem to have more skills than me.  It’s interesting how well it works when people don’t take issues personally.  When they don’t let a skillful persuader override what they think is important.  They stick it out and don’t let loud, intimidating opinions pressure them to make a hasty decision.  

Elizabeth's picture from Catalina

How do they do it?  Skill take practice.  To acquire skill I have to take the risk of failure.  It has nothing to do with my gender, race, age or religious background.  If I want to possess the ability, I have to change how I view compromise.

New thinking:

• My opinion is important
• It is not too difficult for me, I'm capable
• I can take my time to decide and make a decision or find facts about an issue
• I don’t have to agree even if I haven’t formed an opinion.  It’s okay to say, “I don’t know right now.”
• I’m not my past learning.  I’ve evolved into my own person.  I’m learning skills
• Controversy doesn’t have to be negative.  Many positive and powerful things can be resolved with more input and brain-power