U Of M Today? Or The Big Top?

As I sit in Washtenaw Dairy, I feel relaxed.  (They made more than 300 dozen donuts for today.  There’s a U of M football game today and on top of that 30 dozen were specially made for a wedding) 

This is a homey place to be.  I know most of the regulars that come in (for both coffee and comradery…a few get donuts).

There’s a little girl with a pink, University of Michigan, T-shirt, with big, navy blue bow in her pony-tail, playing “I Spy” with her parents (as she eats her icecream).  

She’s sitting at the long table  where I'm writing.  She's about ten years old.  Her parents are not winning.  She’s savy.  She reminds me of my niece, Jenna.  It’s Jenna’s birthday today.  

I received a text from Elizabeth this morning, “Explosions in Ankara, but I’m safe.  Terrible news, over 80 dead.”    Ankara, Turkey.  http://www.bbc.com/news/world  

I’m always so glad when she lets me know.  I don’t worry as much about her as I have in the past when she’s in Turkey.  I know she’s more than capable of taking care of herself, regardless of where she is.

I think about what I tell my mom when I’m snorkling in Lake Huron while she’s beachcombing.  “Mom, remember, if anything happens to me don’t feel bad,  I will have died happy and doing what I love to do.”  I think she worries less about me too.  We can’t unrealistically think shutting ourselves up will keep us safe.   

My sister, Karen died a year ago, yesterday.  It’s still hard to conceive.  But the idea also makes many of us who knew her, live our lives more fully with the realization,  life will end.  

We have choices and along with those choices we have life unexpectedly bombarding us with things we have no choice about.  

Examples:

Seasons…they will come and go.  Fall is here, winter will come.

Light…Less hours of light each day with the season changes.

Week…There are only seven days.

Injury…My friend, Bonnie,  broke her ankle in two places. 

Illness…Catching a virus putting your body on the couch and suffering with the cough weeks later.

Weather…My niece Carolyn knows personally an outdoor wedding can’t realistically be planned for October, without planning for cold and rain.

I love lists, I get caught up in them, but I don’t think I have to continue.  

Our choices come with responsibility.  I’m an adult. I have to do laundry, feed myself, keep myself as healthy as I can.  Here I go again with another list!   Making the choice not do things means I need to be ready to accept the consequences.  In order to post to my blog today,  I have to let other things go.

I have a strong desire to be with Holden and Elizabeth.  It’s more of a maternal instinct because I know it’s not the least bit realistic.  I want to protect them, shelter them, love them as my “Bozo Mother Brain” pushes me to believe.   It’s not all instinct.  It’s culturally learned.  As I get older I should  dismiss my own wishes and serve. 

 I’m learning to question my “Bozo Mother Brain”.  I’m experiencing how to set my brain straight so it doesn’t confuse fantasy with reality.  Both of my children are independent.  They are living quality lives of their choice.  I raised them and feel good about what they’ve taken from the baggage of past learning.  They get to choose which to use and which to discard as useless to their lives.   I also get to be independent and take from past baggage what feels right to me.  

Independence doesn’t mean my kids don’t love me and I don’t love them.  It means there’s room for respect.  Respect for the choices each of us make.

I want to enjoy this beautiful, sunny, autumn day.  I want to be outside but not working, only wallowing in the day.  I don’t want to go the football game. 

I don’t want to socialize.  I want to walk through the neighborhood to the Y and swim.  I want to take my time swimming and ease my aching my arms, shoulders, neck and wrists.  I’ve overused them sanding and working on my vehicle.  I confess I also recently went to the Fossil Park in Ohio and overused the same body parts to brush dirt off rocks and look for fossils.  http://www.olanderpark.com/pages/Fossil.htm

A “Bozo Mother Brain” has no trust.  It puts the control in the “Mother” place.  I choose not to let it take over.  I don’t want my kids to feel I’m being controlling.  I want them to see my compassion, love and understanding.  To feel I respect their choices.  

They weigh the consequences of their choices as much as I do when I’m out snorkling by myself, in Lake Huron.  My mom doesn’t try to control me and my obsession with the water.  She understands.  She loves me.  She trusts me and respects my choices. 

There’s no room for this “Bozo Mother”.   She doesn’t build up, she breaks down.  She doesn’t trust, she undermines confidence in oneself.  She wants the attention all on her, the orchestrator of the show! Dressed for the part,  this “Bozo Mother” performs alone.  She makes believe she has the power of presence and control.  But, when the big tent comes down everyone leaves.  The costume and makeup come off. 

Will she be willing to live her life only for the moments when the bigtop goes back up?  Does she only feel worthy when she’s “Bozo Mother”?  When her role is only manifested with her clown makeup on?  

I don’t want to live the moments I have-waiting.  I want to be with my children, eating the shelled peanuts in the stands, cheering on the performances, laughing and making memories with them.  And when the bigtop goes down and Holden and Elizabeth and I part ways, I want to continue with my many chosen roles as “Me”.  I trust their love for me and I believe they trust my love in return.

I’m realize I can still nuture my children without control.  There are hundreds of ways.  And to a mom, they all feel good.  And when they nuture back?  I’ve done my job as a mom.  They understand love.  It isn’t about control and the spotlight on one.  It’s about the river flowing both ways.  Not always flowing two ways at one time, but free flowing, trusting and respecting.

Now to go swimming….