I Am

Have you wondered who I am?  I doubt it.  But, I believe you’ve probably wondered who you are.  So, I’m hoping in writing my quandaries of who I am,  it will seem less me being self-centered and more a type of thinking we all do. How we all perceive ourselves.

I usually start with the present.  Who am I now?  But my thoughts don’t stay there long.  It’s hard to think of who I am without thinking about who I was in the past. I have to fight my natural instinct to go back to the past. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKY-smJ6aBQ     I Am a Rock

Truthfully it would be much easier to think about who I was in the past.  The past is done.  I couldn’t possibly change anything.  I could think back and make excuses for myself, blame other people and the situations.  I’d be free of any responsibility.  Free to make the same mistakes, be involved in the same situations and wouldn’t have learned a damn thing from my mistakes or accomplishments.  It could cause me to believe my life’s-job is over.  I am what I am.  I am a product of my past.  Nothing will change.  

On the opposite end, I could think back to the past and accept all responsibility for who I was, blame everything on myself and make excuses for other people and lay all the responsibility on myself.  None of these are true.  They just strangle me and keep me from seeing who I am now.

To be fair to myself,  I return to my present I am.  Some things I consider:

1. physical and mental health
2. happiness
3. developing and increasing my skills 
4. purposefulness 
5. value to society

Thinking in the present, I have to look back somewhat to see how I’ve been doing:

1. Do I see the I am I want? Am I working on it or just sliding and avoiding the difficult?  
2. Do I have to do everything for myself or am I learning to ask for help sometimes? 
3. Am I afraid of failure?  Afraid of not being perfect? Does the fear keep me from improving myself?
4. Does my motivation to accompish things come from my need for approval from others or from self-approval? 

It’s hard to distinquish between what I do and who I am.   I don’t want to be known on my past merit.  Right now I’m a writer.  I’m writing while sitting at a hard, gray, plastic, picnic table inside Mr. Stadium, while my laundry is sloshing in the machines. 

What I do is not who I am.  How I do things is more a reflection of who I am.  You would be able to tell a lot more about me from how I write, how I do laundry and how I stand in a long line at the post office.  Just doing those things doesn't measure the I am,  but how I do them.

I have to zig-zag back a bit, if you don’t mind.  I want to clarify.  It IS important what I do.  Choices are important. But, I want to keep in mind why I do something.  The a through e list above matters to me.  It encompass what I value.  If I don’t do things that match what I value then I need to ask myself, “Why? What is holding me back from the possible me I want?”

If I have the chance of living for another thirty years I don’t want any bird making a nest in my hair!  

I don’t imagine I will live forever.  I don’t imagine my body or mind will always be cooperative.  But I do have now and I am certain I want be the I am the who I am wants to be.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9RSh0VZPvs    Young Child sings "Castle on a Cloud"