Spinning Heart


Painting Done by Karen

After recently losing my big sister, Karen, my mind has been spinning.  Writing is my tool  to piece together what’s causing this whirling frenzy in my mind.  Sometimes just making a list can help me assemble the fractions to make the whole.
  • Death.  The reminder I’m human, mortal.  My life will not continue and continue with no end.
  • Sadness.   The overwhelming feeling of loss heavy on my heart.  The dragging pull of grief.   
  • Life.  The reminder of getting back to living.  The difficult step it takes to get back on the escalator going up.
  • Happiness.  Eliminating the distractions keeping me from pursuing what I’ve found makes me happy.
This mind-spinning is encasing me with a thick cocoon.  A safe shelter.  What frightens me it isn’t uncomfortable.  I’ve been in here before.  It feels safe and familiar.

But, it isn’t safe.  Comfortable isn’t how I want to live.  I want to extend out of my comfort zone.  I want to live, not wait for life to come to me.  Because I know from experience in death and dying, living wrapped up in silk doesn’t help..  But the familiar still whispers to me, “Things will get better, just wait. It’s dangerous out there.  You need shelter.  You’re weak and wounded, stay here in this wrap, where it’s safe and warm.”



Yes, I have to agree with the soft breath, speaking in my ear.  This encasement is safe.  Yes, I am weak and wounded.  But, the longer I wait to take that first step on the escalator, the harder it is to find it.  The distractions permeate my days.  I forget what I want and what makes me happy.  

I love to learn.  I love challenge.  I love to live around a “melting pot” of people.  I love to work with and be around children.  I love to work, write, sing.  I love to swim, walk and be outside in the fresh air.  I love to travel, create adventures and live them.  I love to be myself.  Laugh, cry and feel comfortable in my skin.

ME...Comfortable in My Own Skin


Grief doesn’t just disappear because I step forward.  I don’t believe I’ll heal from the loss of Karen.  I’ve had losses before and those heart-wounds don’t heal.  They just become a part of who I am.

Karen with Mom, at Brevort Lake

I know my heart is big. I’m proud of it.  I’m also proud of being brave enough to leave my heart open.  Wounded or not, I can still fight for love.  By living I’m leaving my heart open to the give and take of love.  

I feel the steps moving up already.



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Melting_pot










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