I'm Not a Rock or an Island

When sad things come to me, I’m learning to walk or connect with someone I care about.  It doesn’t always make the sadness disappear, but it helps me endure sadness.

I like to clean things, too.  Today, I cleaned my Mom’s porch walls, ceiling and floor boards.  It felt good to slap the bristles of the broom against the light blue siding.  Dipping the broom into the sudsy water and making a wet, soapy trail of water until the broom smacked against the wall.  The long, green hose, from the backyard I kept hanging over the white railing of the porch, ready for me to use, to rinse.  I kept the dial on “Jet” spray. The water making a pounding sound, against the siding, felt good.

Sadness doesn’t come without some anger.  I’m glad I can see that now.  I’m better at admitting my anger is real, not something to cover up with denial.  For me, covering it up only causes more sadness.  Not that sadness is cured by anger.  I wouldn’t say it is, it’s just more realistic.  Not romanticized in any way.  

Tears fall and I think, “Piss!” More tears and “Piss!” 

Being honest about the anger keeps me from brushing the tears away. I let them fall.  There’s no shame in sadness or anger.  There would be more danger in pretending life is fair.  Or as if bad things don’t happen to loveable people.  And really dangerous if I thought I was perfect if I didn’t cry or get angry.

Sometimes when I’m sad and the day drags on, I’ll touch the top of my forehead, just above my eyebrows and see if they’re turning into pieces of twisted licorice.  Just the touch reminds me to give my body permission to relax in spite of my mind being absorbed with frustration.

Sometimes I bite a few nails off.  Eat a few more sweet things during the day.  Stare into nothingness more often.  Sigh deeper and more frequent.  Drag my feet on my way to bed, afraid sleep couldn’t possibly help a bit.  And sometimes I write in my blog.  Sharing my inability to handle sadness with my readers makes me feel connected.

We’re human, not pea-brains.  Sadness hurts, it’s difficult.  We may not overcome it, but we can see it through with patience.  Patience we give ourselves.  And courage.  So we don’t isolate ourselves from someone else who might just need a kind word, a smile or a listening ear.  Keeping connected to the human race.