Don't Believe Everything You Do

I just finished reading the book, Olive Kitteridge, by Elizabeth Strout.  Halfway through her novel I read this sentence, "If you can’t figure out something,….don’t watch what you think, watch what you do.”  It stuck in my mind. 

Wanting to write a book, myself, I thought, "Is a sentence as profound as this the main reason Strout began to write this book?”

Another quote  I like, too, "Don’t believe everything you think.”  It’s uselful, especially at a time when I thought I was going crazy.   I had to consciously make myself ignore what I was thinking.  My thinking wasn’t rational and I chose to not believe it.

But, this statement?  I never really thought of this.  "If you can’t figure out something,….don’t watch what you think, watch what you do”.  

I’ve often thought how my actions speak louder than words, but never in relation to trying to figure myself out.  It always seems to be in relation to how others see me.  My children, my students, my co-workers, family and friends.  If others see how I live and behave, they’ll see who I am, what I stand for.  

My students heard me say, over and over, "Show me, don’t tell me!”.  I didn’t want to hear their excuses, whining or promises.  I wanted action.  I expected the same from myself.  If I chewed gum and didn’t allow them to, it wasn’t fair.  If I thought it was too cold out to take them outside, I didn’t expect them to go out with anyone else, either.  

I remember my daughter, Elizabeth,  telling me some of the teacher-assistants, at St. Mary’s School, use to say, "That’s not very Christian!”  They said it to kids not behaving.  I thought right away, when I heard it, "What constitutes being Christian?  Do the kids even know?”  Maybe modeling for them the proper behavior would have been more powerful, than the broad term "Christian" used to chastise them.  Just words.

Or when I told my own two kids, "Don’t kick the lazy-susan with your foot, you’re going to ruin it!” I caught myself doing the very same thing, just as natural as rain falling from a black cloud.  I knew I had to apologize and admit I did it myself, so I couldn’t expect them not to.

But, to look at my actions to see what I’m thinking?  That’s interesting.  I’m so busy watching other people, making up stories about them and noticing things about them I find fascinating. I never thought about watching myself more often.  

I did notice my hands would start moving around,  sometimes, when I was talking about something, when I'm with my counselor.  I asked him about it.  I was wondering what he thought about it, from a professional point of view. 

 "What do you think it means when you see my hands going like that?” I asked,  "I made some guesses.  I figured you'd think it to mean one of three things. 1)I’m bonkers   2) I’m anxious  or 3) It doesn’t mean a damn thing.”  

He said, "No, none of those”, he replied.  "I see you feeling more confident about what you're talking about when you're moving your hands around.”  Wow, I didn’t see that at all!  

So, seeing what I do didn’t necessarily help me figure myself out.  But, it’s made me more aware.  I’ve started to look outside of myself, to my actions.  Not just conscious, purposeful actions.  But to look at the seemingly insignificant ones.  I might see some patterns and clues.  I love to get insight about myself.

I wouldn’t want it to become an "All About Me” thing. I think we’re all capable of doing that enough, as it is.  I just want to be more intuitive about myself, not just others around me.  

I do have to remember, though, I wouldn’t want to believe everything I thought about my actions.