Battling and Drumming

Recognize him?

When I read, or talk to people, I hear the same things over again and again.  It's a process I'm working on.  It helps me settle into my new transition and new life.

"Be authentic."

"Be true to yourself."  

"March to the beat of your own drum."

Great in theory.  Not so easy.  "It's complex", as Dr. Sullivan says, during my counseling.  I agree, it is complex. 

 To muddle through what I know to be true, learning what is true and striving for my own truths, feels like following the path of a labyrinth.  I don't mean literally, I feel it in a spirit sense.  I go round and round.  I pull the truths from deep in myself.  From what I see and from my day to day experience.

I'm starting to believe I do have the truths to live a contented life.  They've always been inside me.  I also have rebukes and contradictions inside, too.  That's when things get complex.  Who's going to look through all this and find the answers?

Me. I want to take the time to make everything clearer.  Unravel the Rubiks-Cube-like puzzle. Feel through it and put things in their proper place.  It's long and tedious.  It's a personal journey. 

Sorry, you guys, there's no easy "How to" out there.

The work comes with opening myself up to new ways of seeing.  It opens me up to being susceptible to frustration, tears, insecurity, and more questions than answers.  It comes with a fight with my inner belief system.  A battle of "Truth" vs "Myth" vs "Learned" values.

Truthfully, I've been working on this for years, but have never dedicated time and energy to push myself deeper, to a sincere search for the truth.  I never wanted to admit I didn't have the answers.  

The work in the past feels like it was pretentious, a bit self-possessed.  I may even admit, a bit self-righteous. Egotistical.  I have never been able to work in a bubble.  No matter how much I read, discuss, write, reflect or battle with the truth, I need people to bounce these theories off of and possibly validate.  Or someone to point out a misconception or lie, I've held on to, stubbornly. 

I began a graffiti wall a year after my husband died, in 2009.  I requested friends and loved ones to contribute to this wall.  To send me quotes, truths, or inspiration to live by.  It was the start.  Opening up my small world of truths.  Thinking about others and how they are influenced in being true to themselves.  I thank them for putting themselves out there.  Giving of themselves.

Graffiti Wall on Schuss Lane

I read a lot.  A powerful pivot in thinking, for me, was reading, The Seat of the Soul, by Gary Zukav and  A Widow's Story: A Memoir, by Joyce Carol Oates.  They validated some of the disconnect I felt, with the world, after Harry's death.  There are many other books, articles, poems, and novels I think helped me contemplate new ideas.  To veer away from my worn out path of thinking.

I Found This on a Pub's Wall in Ireland

No two people can read the same book and get the same thing from them.  I've come across books, by chance, in resale shops and used books stores, no one ever recommended to me.  They were meant to be discovered.  They appeared at times when I needed new ideas presented in new ways. Close friends and family recommend books to me.  Some opened new doors.  Some, I thought weren't  worth reading.

When you are on a "Seeking path", remember, be true to yourself when you sift through the rubbish.  It's work, it's dirty and much of it has to be thrown back into the rubbish pile.  I know, personally, counseling is helping me be a more efficient sifter.  Censoring the general media has helped me.  Being vulnerable to attack from society, for who I am, is part of the environment, in being true to oneself.

Being susceptible to criticism, peer pressure and control from others, is also a part of the environment.  I think it's well worth the struggle.  I'm feeling more nonjudgemental of myself and others.  My work is starting to pay back.  It won't always pay back in a positive way.  I know.  I'm learning. The setbacks are small compared to the advances.

I smile more, listen more and nurture myself more.  This helps me reach out, nurture, and connect with others more.  It's choosing life instead of death.  I'm proud to say, I want to live.