The Screw-Up Foundation

I've written about the challenges I've gone through to move to Ann Arbor.  Retiring from teaching, selling my home in Gaylord and beginning again.  Answering only to myself.  It's the hardest thing I've ever done.  

Far more difficult than moving away from home and going to college.  Then, I had a few wooden crates, two large pieces of barn wood to make shelves across the crates, my guitar, a minimal amount of clothes, some sheets and blankets, a black trunk and an electric popcorn popper.  I got a ride with Kenny Belonga.  We put our stuff in the back of his truck and headed for East Lansing.

I didn't have a built-up stash of "things" to go through in deciding what to take.  

I took what I had.  

You may not know it, but I'm a person who squeezes every bit of toothpaste out of a tube, before throwing it away.  I reuse tissue paper, whether it's wrinkled or not.  I had trouble throwing away a key, yesterday, I didn't need.  The lock on the storage room was changed and I was issued a new key.  I actually turned the old key over a few times in my hand and thought, "What could I use this for?"  It explains how painful it can be to let go of my possessions.

My "Down-sizing" journey made letting go easier with time.  I sold, gave away, recycled or threw out enormous amounts of items. I'm content to not  being a storage trap. It was difficult, but satisfying.  I couldn't leave Gaylord without transforming this part of my lifestyle.

I found out the difference between what I treasured, what I didn't give a damn about, and what I couldn't take with me on my move.  If I was to move into a small apartment in the city, I had to pull myself away from objects I could do without. 

Schuss Lane Neighbors, Staning by Elk Bust in Gaylord

SOOOooooo Many "Things"

Exhausted, I spent a lot of time in tears, making heart-wrenching decisions.  I had to resolve to not let "things" stop me from moving forward.  I had to believe the things I let go were not a record of me or the life I've lived.  They didn't represent a value.  The term, "Sentimental Value" is tough to rethink and get past.  It really means something that has no value alone.  The value is from what we give it from an emotional stand point.  We have to allow it.

I could either be a "Keeper-of-Memories" or a "Maker of Memories".  I chose the latter.  

I survived.  I'm relieved to be rid of so much.  I've conquered the hill and another stands before me.  Another challenge.  How to get rid of excesses in my mind.

The clutter of memories or life's lessons can be too much for my mind.  I'm having the same struggle I had with my possessions.  How am I going to know if I might need something?  Do I REALLY need to pick up every past event, trauma or lesson and ask, "What will I use this for?"  Can't I just get rid of a lot of emotional junk and have more space to store courage to live?

I have to be aware of how important it is to know the difference between a memory that supports who I am and memories that eat away at my confidence.  I have to have the confidence to be myself.  It's not as easy as it sounds.  

First of all, I have to validate my past.  The good and the bad, the ugly and weak, the courageous and cowardly.  If I ignore which paths I traveled, to be me, I will have trouble tucking myself in at night.  My foundation will crumble.

Another huge facet of this, is going back to the child in me.  Facing her, I am learning to hug her, forgive her, and love her.  No matter what.  Show her empathy, understanding and patience.  Let her cry when she needs to. Laugh at her blind stubbornness.  Her irrationality. Her obsessive phases.  Her procrastination rituals.  

Respect her down times, when she thinks it's all hopeless and useless.  Accept when she needs a hand to hold. Show her gratitude each day for being me.  Letting her know her uniqueness is what I love most about her.  Not what she can show on a certificate, bank account or social status.  But what she can show in the amount of light she radiates.  So she can see and she can help others see.  

It annoys me when someone screws up and another person asks, "Why?"  "Couldn't you have…?"  "Why didn't you….?"  Maybe it's not even worth analyzing. A screw-up is a screw-up.  Messing up isn't something we do as a practice.  Any of the screw-ups I've had in the past I really don't want to store and register with the "Screw-up Foundation.  I don't have a vast amount of happiness quotient to allow judgment to suck away at it.

Mayfly, Represents "It Bugs Me"
(I've been wanted to use this picture)

Unnecessary negative emotions consume my energy and optomism.  They can be trashed.  I certainly don't want to keep weighing and examining them.  They drain me.  Anger, jealousy, embarrassment, shame, guilt, self-recrimination, fear, loneliness, hate, disappointment, mistrust…...and..., .....   

Any parent knows how easy it is to question ourselves about how we raised our kids. What if… I should'da, I could'da,  I was gonna… All those non-validating thoughts, they stunt our growth.  They stick us in the past, preventing us from building a future. Being a teacher I had the same questions.  

Artwork on at Eyuboglu School in Umranye, Turkey

I'm getting better at downsizing my emotional baggage and getting help with it.  It's exhausting, but rewarding.   I feel fortunate to have family and friends that I can trust to support me.  It's a bonus when I know I have family I consider friends, too.  Friends, trust to let go with me, but never too soon, too late or with judgement.

SIDE-NOTE:  I made it to Berlin.  Sitting with Heidi listening to Eddy Higgins version of some Christmas tunes, and of course "Charlie Brown's Christmas", on Heidi's I-Tunes.    She says, "It defines Christmas".