"Fear", Making Me Out of My Mind

Childhood Visual

I faced one of my fears this week.  The fear of going into Downtown Detroit, alone.  This fear developed over the years.  My dad wasn't fond of cities and made sure to put the terror in me, whenever I headed for a city.  He even tried to convince me to go CMU instead of MSU, because CMU was a smaller city.  

I think he feared cities and transferred his fear to me (and possibly, to some of my siblings).  The "Be Careful" was common, and still is, in our family.   Being raised in the Upper Peninsula didn't help any, either.  Everything below the bridge was "Down Below".  Detroit was another country, as far as I was concerned, growing up in St. Ignace.

"Be Careful"

I did end up going to MSU. Dad was right, it was a big city for someone from St. Ignace.  We didn't even have a stop light, anywhere in St. Ignace!  I was literally lost at MSU for the first two weeks.

I adjusted in spite of my fears.  I failed, learned and kept persevering.  I adjusted, but never really lived without the "Fear" making me out of my mind. 

I use to drive to Detroit and visit my sister, Karen, once in awhile.  Her apartment building was right downtown.  No GPS, no cell-phone.  I wrote directions down on a piece of paper and set it right beside me on the seat.  I must have picked it up twenty times, checking and rechecking, to make sure I was on the right highway.  I'm sure I hyperventilated when I got out of the car and headed for the back door of the apartment.  I buzzed her and held my breath until she came down and opened the door.  I was paranoid someone would come into the narrow entrance from the parking lot, where I was waiting and do "Whatever".  

I bought a ticket to the opera, last month.  It was for the Detroit Opera House. I hoped there would be someone I could go with.  My voice teacher, Kate Rosen, was selected for chorus in the opera, LaTraviata.  I didn't' want to miss it.  She didn't know anyone who was going on the Wednesday performance, so I was on my own.  I tossed the fear in my mind for many days.  I didn't see anything rational about it.  After living in Istanbul, I knew I could handle a city. 

Eventually I got angry at my fear.  I told myself, "It's not mine!" I was determined to face it and see if it was real or a learned mindset.  I hate to admit this, but I was panicky on my short trip from Ann Arbor to Detroit on Wednesday.  The fear had a grip on me.  

It didn't help when the traffic came to a halt about a block from the Detroit Opera House.  There was an accident on the freeway and ALL traffic was being directed to Grand River Avenue.  I could feel myself gripping the steering wheel,  like I was clamping a piece of wood I'd just glued together.  Here we were crawling along and I had no idea where this detour would take me.  

The only thing stronger than my fear of downtown Detroit, was my fear of being late for the opera.  This new fear just slipped in.  I smiled when I thought how more realistic it was.  It was possible to be late and miss the opening of the opera!  The fear of being late was real.  It stood up, looked the other fear in the eye,  punched it right smack in the face and knocked it out.  Cold!  

I fearlessly followed the snake-line of cars to Grand River Avenue and let my GPS get me to Broadway Street.  I let some young man in a fenced-in area, take my car keys to park my car, (for $20) and I hurried across the road to the Opera House.  The only thing on my mind was the opera.  I was there.

Huge Columns With Marble

The rest is joyous history.  I loved being dressed up, at an opera, in a gorgeous opera house, alone and ready to be drawn into the tragic love story of La Traviata. 

I had to be seated immediately.  I was able to pick out Kate, elaborately dressed with a brown wig on.  I was happy to share this opera with her by being in the audience.  As you can see by the pictures, I was in a beautiful opera house, in the center of Detroit, and it felt like Buckingham Palace.

Intermission During the Opera

Will I go again?  Heck yeah!  I didn't even feel the cold winter air when I went outside, after the opera.  I still had tears in my eyes from the love story and a mind full of Verdi's music making me feel like I was floating. It was like I just had a full-body massage.  Happy, alert, relaxed and ready to navigate the city, get on Chrysler Freeway and head home.