Without a Face

I find revealing my feelings comes with a vast responsibility.  When I expose how I feel, I'm left naked. I normally want to hurry and cover myself back up.  Feelings are vulnerable to criticism, just like the body is to being naked.  Not only are feelings multi-faceted, they have layers of reality and fantasy intertwined.  It makes them harder to protect.  Wide open to a direct hit.

The responsibility is in being proud of them.  If I'm revealing them, I've already let down my guard. So the weapons of defense aren't within reach.  The damage can be done quickly and brutally.  If an attack does come, I have to be able to get back up, stand by my feelings and show the beauty of my nakedness.  To take ownership and satisfaction in whatever feelings I have.

The question becomes, 

              How can I be my vulnerable-self and still maintain strength and self-confidence?  

I don't want to be remembered as a "Pollyanna" or a "Peacemaker".  More importantly, I don't want the cover my feelings with lies. 

Not just to others.  If I cover up who I am and how I feel, I'm buying into the cloth that covers the nakedness.  I start believing the lies and the conformity I'm leaning toward.  I'm lying to myself.  If that happens, I will leave this world without a face.  I might as well be a hound dog sitting by the fire waiting to be walked. Keeping my ears ready for the voice of command. Living for approval with every breath I take.

I believe I'm more vulnerable to my own self-criticism, my own anger, my own name-calling. I damage my pride and there's no defense against myself.  I have to live with myself every hour of the day.  I can't leave, walk away and disregard the hurt with, "Whatever". 

My choices are ultimately decided by how I feel.  I suppose the belief is what feelings change into.  The rights, the wrongs, the gray areas.  They all have to be analyzed and scrutinized by me.  Then why do I need to reveal them?

I have to practice.  I have to win and lose.  I have to try to hit the tennis ball and let it come back off the practice board.  The harder I stand by my delivery of the ball, the harder it will come back to me.   I don't know how good my overhand or underhand is.  Unless I see my belief (or feeling) coming back at me full force, even with a bit of a curve, I'll never know.  I might miss outright.  I may get the sun in my eyes and hit the ball out of the court.  I don't care, I want to be holding the racket, swinging.

I won't be a bystander, screaming out shots and plays.  I won't just be a judge, sitting in a chair, with an umbrella for protection from the elements, giving the verdict.  I'll be on the court.  I'll be naked, but in the game, win or lose.  I'll be out there swinging.