Accounting Apprentice

I realize I don’t need my feelings validated by others for them to have value.

My feelings are uniquely mine.  I am the accountant.  The one responsible.  I've lived half a century without realizing, I am the bookkeeper.  I’m in charge of this vital account.

Many of my feelings, in this enormous account, I didn’t even know were there.  There was no record of them.  Some have been increasing in value in my lifetime and many have been spent or have decreased in value.

Taking on the job of accountant after years of repression, neglect, misuse and ignorance, about how this account should be handled, is not an easy job to tackle.  I have to say, it would be easier, in theory, to just let the vines and weeds continue to grow over it, put my pencil and erasure down and close the book. 

But…..it’s just a theory.  In reality, if I don’t continue to work on managing this account, I’ll be in trouble in the future.  I have a cache of emotional history.  It’s an overwhelming job to label, organize and evaluate.  It’s not too late. And I’m definitely worth the effort!

I have to examine where I’m withdrawing or depositing emotions and when.  I am capable of learning new behaviors to control over-spending of my emotions.  I can begin to save more emotional energy for a rainy day.

I am an apprentice.  I feel the despair of failure and the joy of success being a beginner!  My mentors are invaluable.  They keep me focused, so I don’t give up the lessons.  I continue to go to counseling.  I read, reflect, and write.  Discussions with friends and family keep me questioning and searching for strategies.   I’m learning new ways of giving value to my emotions.  And I’m learning to shift some of my emotions to other accounts to have them sit without interest.  If I need to track an emotion, I can put it in an active account so I can keep an eye on it every day.

The training is minimal, but the homework is extensive. I don’t take the responsibility to myself, lightly.  I have felt the monster of bankruptcy knocking at my door in the past and I’m not willing to risk the ramifications of despair.  The negative withdrawal of anger, fear, hate, sadness, guilt and shame make my emotional account poor.  I have to learn to deposit more peace, humility, love, joy, confidence and pride. 

I know it’s like dieting.  You don’t eat more than you burn off.  Well, withdrawing more emotional energy than I have in my bank account, will be a problem.  In fact, if I want to be prepared for the unexpected life drainers, I need to have plenty in the account for emergencies.

There’s no “credit card” to use in this process.  I only use what I have in my account.  If I don’t have it, I begin to reevaluate what I want to buy into and back off.  Withdrawing what I don’t have comes with personal penalties.  The penalty of fatigue, physical aches and pains, depression, social avoidance.  I still haven’t targeted all the penalties, but I plan to keep studying.  Avoiding negative consequences, when possible.

Depositing emotional energy is a difficult strategy to learn.  My account is unique to me.  I have to analyze what bolsters my account.  It will never stay the same, the emotional economy changes, as it does in the financial world.  Family dynamics, physical aging, loss and death, new jobs, travel, financial changes, season changes, injury, real and imagined fears…………..

I made a list of positives to deposit.  I know they work for me. (For now).  I think more about my choices and take more time evaluating what is important for me.  I listen and watch for warning signs so I don’t get caught without a safety net.

1.  Expend time and connect to my family.

2.  Take time to rest (or nap) each day.

3.  Exercise & stretch each day.

4.  Examine food choices.  Be prepared.

5.  Make new social contacts and experiences.

6.  Nurture old social contacts and experiences.

7.  Study/Reflect/Write……Do The Bookkeeping!

8.  Stay in the present time-zone.  (Beware of getting stuck in the past or future)

Will I end up short?  Yes.  Life happens.  Life is what it is and I can't calculate life.  But, my power as Maggie increases with "The Work".  The power of Maggie increases when I validate my own emotional account.  No one can do it for me.   But love and support from friends and family sure helps to make it all worthwhile.