Revolving Door

My Trailblazer's Wheel After a Ride Through a Storm

Evolving is a feeling I've been experiencing for the last few years.  It's a word that sounds much like revolving.  Like I'm in a revolving door and can see the events and changes going past me, as I keep going around and around.  

During eventful or difficult times in my life, I find myself needing to stop and exit this revolving door. I feel a transformation beginning.  It's personal.  Intentional.  My stepping out allow the changes to begin, only when I know I am ready.  

When I'm ready, I'm usually scared to death, and I have to be willing to leave parts of my baggage behind.  To even try to let go, I have to be aware of what is going on inside me.  Whether it's physical, spiritual, emotional or just my intuition, I have to let it be what it is and move with it.  The tricky part is not letting any single part of me, control me.  I want them to work as a team.  

If it's pain in my body I'm trying to deal with, I can't let it supersede other important signals from myself.  If it's emotional, I have to let it be and attempt to see more than the immediate sadness, anger, fear or joy.  Sometimes, I need to take time out, close my eyes, pray and let time pass.  It helps me gain perspective.  It gives me time to process all the signals I'm receiving. 

If it's a strong "gut" feeling that overcomes me, I try to acknowledge it.  If I don't, I could lose an important hand in my chance to do what is right for me.  It may be an important piece I need to make a decision.  A decision I won't have to regret, step back from out of fear or put in limbo, unable to move forward.

Part of evolving is using the wisdom from myself, and from others, to change.  I watch others, I read, I reflect, I wait.  Ultimately, I listen to the voice of me.  If I don't listen and wait for my inner voice, I will be bombarded with the voices of others.  I will just keep pushing that revolving door around and around, waiting for someone else to jump inside and control the push.  I will depend on someone else to stop and exit.  I will wait for someone else's permission to step out.

I don't want my life to change without my being conscious of my needs and goals.  I don't want to revolve endlessly.  I want to evolve.  I need to grow and continue to load my arsenal with visions that are tailored personally to me.  

I have done some evolving.  I no longer wish to be on an island.  A place where I don't want anyone to bother, help or share my pathetic life with me.  I know that island I inhabited is a sad, lonely place to exist.  I know I was the only one responsible for labeling it pathetic.  I know how terrifying it feels to be up to my neck in water trying to escape the prison it put my soul in.   There were no revolving doors.  No opportunity for step-off.  The fog hardening myself against myself. 

Mackinac Island in the Distance

Now, when I'm alone, I can push the door and keep my senses alive.  I can be ready to capture moments that make life worth living.  It's not so scary.  It's certainly not pathetic.  And my soul is at peace knowing I'm not cutting it off from breathing and growing.

I will always see through stain-glass eyes.  I can't erase who I am,  where I came from and the maze I've traveled to be me.  But, as I look through my eyes, I will appreciate what angle the light comes from, whether the light is able to pass through or gets reflected.  I have a lot of work to do.  My eyes don't always open.  They don't always respond quickly.  But, these stain-glass eyes will get me through, so I can share what they see with others.

Building From the Bottom Up