Life Is Scary

A Salmon's Resting Place

Yesterday I was driving on an over-pass and the traffic stopped.  I was smack-dab in the middle of the bridge, with the 3-lane highway heavy with cars below me.  I panicked.  My breathing sped up, I gripped the steering wheel and started looking for an escape route.

It may sound silly.  Unrealistic.  But, it was real to my mind and body.  It felt so intense I was planning on leaving the car and walking across the bridge to escape the terror.  In my mind, I knew the bridge was going to collapse with me on it. I was going to die.

Fortunately, the traffic began to move and I regulated my breathing and my headache started easing up.  Being the analyzer, I tend to be, I thought, "What in the world just happened there, Maggie?  What is your problem?  Get a grip!  Where did that come from?"

I cross the Mackinac Bridge with ease.  It has a five mile span. I've been on it many times when the traffic slows or stops.  It doesn't bother me, I just look out across the two spirit lakes and my heart slows down, my breath is relaxed.  I love being atop the bridge, to soak in the gorgeous aura of the Straits of Mackinac.  I feel like I'm suspended in heaven.

So, what was the problem?  I started criticizing myself for being an idiot.  I've been working on "Non-judgement" of myself, so I had to let the panic be what it was and accept it.  It didn't take long for me to see a flashback to the spring of 1978. I was an student-teacher, waiting for my first graders to arrive at Pinecrest Elementary School, in East Lansing.  Tragedy struck that morning when the kids were crossing the pedestrian bridge over Grand River Avenue.  A truck, traveling under the bridge, struck the bridge, causing it to collapse with students on it.  Student were everywhere, beginning and finishing to cross, when the truck hit.  

I felt the panic again.  The fear of one of my students being on that bridge, or seeing their friends die on that bridge.  The dread of waiting for word of what happened.  The horror struck everyone in the Pinecrest neighborhood.  None of my students witnessed or died on that tragic morning, but every child knew someone who did.  Every family, every staff member had to come to grips with mortality.   

More than 30 years later, my mind and body are shielding me from harm.  Whether it was real or perceived danger, is irrelevant.  What my body and mind did on that overpass, yesterday, is truly fascinating, not idiotic.  Parts of me are covering my ass from harm.  Parts I'm not even consciously aware of, are standing guard for me.  Is it helping me?  Maybe not.  Maybe it complicates my day to day existence in a world where I have little to fear.  

But, I'm impressed.  I can honestly say I'd rather have instinct kick in for me.  I'd rather have to deal with some panic attacks. I'm okay with my brain and body being aware of the survival information I've accumulated over the years.  I will learn to gauge my response to these "Danger" signals.  I can work on NOT thinking I have to flee from disaster.  

And the part about me being an idiot?  Nah, I say I'm a highly functional, finely tuned, magnificent piece of work. I'll keep adjusting the areas, in this super-human body, that need new circuits to travel so the information is helpful to me.  I don't want to alienate my instinct.  Life is scary, I need all the help I can get. I have a magnet on my refrigerator that helps remind me:

DO ONE THING EVERY DAY THAT SCARES YOU 

                                                                                      ELEANOR ROOSEVELT  

When my mortality ends chances are I won't be ready for it anyway.  So living is what I can do.  It's what this "Super" Maggie is geared for, living.

   

Life Is......Life

Kate, My Voice Teacher, Dying in Dramatic Performance in
"The Rape of Lucrica"

The Wonderful Dance of Our Mortality