Fear is Tricky

Sailor, Comtemplating Reality
(found in Sault Ste. Marie)

Fears are tricky.  They can have a solid base for gnawing at me.  The gnawing can come from my personality traits, my childhood upbringing or real experiences.  They all can radiate fear.

I have to admit, I'm a little jumpy.  But, I excuse it as part of my personality.  It's the alert and observant part of me.  I hate scary movies.  I still vividly remember crawling out of my skin when watching "The Indian in the Cupboard" when the main character jumped out of the floorboards.  This is a children's movie.  There have been so many movies I wish I hadn't seen. Two that immediately come to mind, "The Birds" and "Jaws".  

Growing up with so many brothers and sisters,  I developed a natural fear of being shouted at behind a door, snuck up on in the closet (there was one connecting the the boys' and girls' rooms), left behind when I couldn't keep up, blindsided by a snowball, tattled on for something I didn't do, pinched, punched, teased..........Not to mention a father's temper I watched out for.  I remember when I was a child, a group of wasps attacked me, after I jumped on a board in the woods.  I froze.  I still react with fear when I hear a buzzing insect sound.

St. Ignace Bay on a Calm Morning

Moving to a new city, I've been warned, "Be careful."  I credit everyone with good intentions.  But, I try not to let their fears be projected on me.  I think it through and use the realistic gauge as best I can.  The humorous part of reality is it's something like putting the motor on the sailboat.  You think it will be fine.  No fear, you don't have to depend on the wind to travel. But, is there enough gas in the tank?  Will it flood when you start it up?   Reality isn't as predictable as it is cracked up to be.  It's unpredictable.  I work hard to remember this, when balancing my fantasy and reality brains.  Creating a life will challenge me to use both.  When the wind is blowing perfectly for me to catch it in my sails, it will be a sweet ride.  When there isn't a lick of wind, I'll motor awhile.  If both fail me, I'll moor beside a quiet island and rest. 

Daniel Everson's Painting at Brevort Lake

Young People Sailing on the Bosphorous, Istanbul

All our lives have reality.  And reality isn't real.  It's an accident waiting to happen, a storm hovering before it passes, a lull of monotony we have to cope with.  It's a miracle in the making.  It's the sun coming through the clouds before the next lightning bolt flashes, the fog in the morning that last through the afternoon.  It's not a mathematic equation.

So, fearing my new life is not a battle to be won.  I have books to sort, bins to finish emptying, choirs to join, songs to write, volunteering to do, streets to walk on, and other fantasies I haven't conjured up yet.  

Books to Sort at my New Apartment

My sweet sister, Mary, fell this morning on the ice.  Blood was everywhere.  She may have broken her nose.  She didn't see it coming.  It was just another Sunday morning, getting ready to go to church.  I love you, Mary.  It's time to take your boat to shore and rest.  I'm glad your bones aren't broken, your determination isn't crushed.  You've seen the challenge life brings, so many times.  I'd admire your guts with reality.

Mooring Sailboats in Galway, Ireland

Maybe I should add to the list of what to do.  This may be the most important one when reality isn't realistic.  Call a friend, put up a flare in the fog for someone to help you.  Fear is less tricky when we share it with someone else.