...Not Me!

Shadow-Self-Potrait
Early Morning in St. Ignace

Today is my birthday.  I feel exihilarated.    

Student Artwork in the Hall at Eyuboglu

I talked to my friend, Birim, this morning on Skype.  She lit an eight inch candle and sang Happy Birthday to me, while moving the candle in small circles.  We talked a little about aging and she guessed we're on a bell curve of maturity. We are decreasing our maturity rather than increasing with each new birthday .  We laughed about it, but I have to agree.  At least we have reached a peak and don't feel like we have to expect to become more wise with age.  We can be unwise if we want.  Or just un-mature.  I didn't have the heart to tell her I never really followed the curve very well. I fit right in with my first graders when I taught.  I took the responsibilities as an adult, and was able to keep from growing up.

Is being mature being more cautious, less daring?   Is it a state of settling for the status quo?  Is it forgetting youthful ideas and dreams?  Forfeiting change for the appearance of maturity?  Exchanging energy and movement for sitting still and settling in?

I've always like the words to the song, I Won't Grow Up.  "I won't grow up, I don't wanna go to school, just to learn to be a parrot, and recite a silly rule. If growing up means it would be beneath my dignity to climb a tree, I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up, not me!." 

Practicing Futbol in Lale Park, Istanbul

I'm for flying to small islands and exploring.  Playing with friends.  Loving and being loved.  Fighting what is worth fighting for and cheering on what needs a pat on the back.

The difficult part that comes with not growing up,  is in keeping child-like strength to resist social peer-pressure.  Resisting the urge to conform to the values society tries to sell.  I have to keep a little sachet of fairy dust with me to use when I feel the need to fly.  Opening the sachet and peeking inside once in awhile reconfirms my belief in it's power to transform me.  

I don't think my daughters expect maturity from me any more than my first graders did.  They expect me to take care of myself.  Make healthy choices for myself.  I think they expect me to continue to contribute to society as long as I live.  That doesn't mean living only for them.  Or taking ownership for their needs and wants.  They know I will always love and nurture them.  I'm their mom.  My best chance at supporting their life is to live a full life myself.  Not waiting for them to bring me joy or companionship.  Not putting my life on hold to be available for any needs I can fill for them.  

I believe if I live fearlessly, they will take care of themselves.  They will make healthy choices for themselves.  They will contribute to society as long as they live.  They will not take ownership for my wants and needs.  They will always love and nurture me.  They will be my daughters.  The best they can do for me is to live their life fully.  Not wait for me to bring them joy or companionship.  Not putting their lives on hold for any need they can fill for me.

I don't want them to be mature.  Or grow up.  I want them to never forget their dreams and never settle for status quo.  I want them to fly to small islands and explore, play with friends, love and be loved.  To fight for what they believe is worth fighting for. 

As a family any one of us may need more.  There will be times when we'll have to step forward for each other's needs and wants.  Our lives may even have to be put on hold now and then.  There will always be challenges.  But, we'll be ready.  Because it will never be beneath our dignity to make a sand castle, fly a paper airplane, skip a flat stone on the water or cry at a beautiful sunset.  The fairy dust of not having to grow up.

Young Girl Watching Thanksgiving Parade in Detroit