None of My Business

Mantel in Thatched Cottage, Connemara, Ireland

"It's none of your business what other people are thinking about you."

A friend of mine quoted this from her counselor as a reminder for me to not "over-think".  To help me stop projecting someone else's thoughts and etching it in stone.  This is getting easier for me.  It's another exercise in letting go of crazy behavior not conducive to living a quality life.

Church ruins at a cemetary in Doolin, Ireland

I remember repeating over and over to myself as a teenager, "I don't care what they think about me."  It eventually had its convincing affect on me, but certainly wasn't as powerful as leaving it as none of my business.  I know now (but I still have to self-talk it through) even when people verbalize an opinion they have of me, it isn't always as straight forward as it seems.  I still project unnecessary filler between the words.

A new train of thought occurred to me recently.  If it's none of my business what other people are thinking about me, then it's none of their business what I'm thinking about them.  In turn they have no responsibility to read my mind.  None.  They can't.  This increases my responsibility to communicate.

This might not seem like a huge revelation to you.  But, to me it's big enough for me to sit here at 6 a.m. and process as I write.

Looking Out From Thatched Cottage

I like to tell the story about the time I made a grocery list for Harry so he could go to Glen's to shop for me.  As I was putting away the groceries I said, "Why did you get me walnuts?  You know I can't eat them!"  He said, "You wrote walnuts on the list."  I replied, "You knew I wanted pecans!"  I truly believed he should have read my mind and not taken the note literally. (there were no cell phones to text a clarification at the time) I still smile when I remember this. Even with those that are closest to us, we impose huge expectations on communication that are impossible.  

Telling those around me what I need or want seems so fundamental.  It's not.  I am green behind the ears.  To grow in this area I will have learn to speak words, clarify, re-emphasize, repeat, and actually listen to what I say not just what the other person is saying.  I'll have to ask myself, "Is that what you meant to say?"  "Did that make sense?"  and even ask them, "Did that make sense?"  "Can you tell me what you thought I meant?"  This isn't graduate study work.  It's communication 101.  But, I honestly have some studying to do.

Moda, Istanbul

Kathy Jungas, my yoga teacher in St. Ignace, says at the end of each session before we part, "Be peacemakers in this world today."  My first step is be be a better communicator.  I think the use of the atomic bomb on Japan could have been avoided if leaders weren't trying to read each other's minds.  So, I will start small.  I'm not a world leader, but peace might have a ripple affect if I practice how I throw the stone in the water.

Graffiti on wall in Kadikoy, Istanbul