Self-Inflicted

Building Clock Tower in Istanbul

Knowing I have time to decide where to live gives me comfort.  I've had so many obstacles in front of me since Harry died I can't see the smooth ground underneath.  I'm hurdling and hurdling and don't dare set down and walk for fear of becoming cemented in one position unable to move.

Depression has its way of cementing us to one position and one stance.  It's dangerous.  It causes our eyes to stay wide open no matter how tired or burning they are.  It causes food to all taste and feel like cold oatmeal.  It causes our body weight to increase tenfold by putting a heavy ball and chain on our ankle.  It causes the knock on the door and the ring of the phone to be in another layer of space and time.  It causes a stretch of the facial muscles to pull down and the teeth to stop clenching.  It causes a blurred look at time, days becomes sleeping and nights become days.  It causes us to feel like a patient in a mental ward.  Hospital gown on, bare feet, and a wrist-band we repetitively check to see who we are and when we were born.

Graffiti in Istanbul

Jellyfish Floating in Bosphorus

The comfort I feel in not making a decision is self-inflicted.  I push normality away and tell myself, "It's okay, receive this gift of time from yourself."  I find the control of not controlling soothing.  There will always be times I have to let myself take a step back and tread water.  My feet will circle the space below me and keep me afloat.  I will have my head up looking out across the endless blue.  I will have to know when my body is weary and needs to stop.

When I choose to walk on smooth ground I need to be aware that hurdles can appear out of nowhere.  I'll need the strength and patience to jump them without fear of coming down on the other side.  And when I do make it over the hurdle I need the confidence to plant my weight on one foot at a time.  Keeping my balance until I can walk again.

Reminders of My Status as a "Child of the Universe"