Readjusting After the Slap

Aye Sophia-Istanbul

When something is "too good to be true" we're warned to question the part about it being true.  We're told to weigh the reality against the fantasy and take another look. Maybe even pinch ourselves.  It's easy to do with scam offers I see on t.v. or when there is a sale at an expensive boutique.  Even when a real estate sign is stuck in the ground next to a gorgeous wooded lot.

It can be a little harder when sentiment or emotion comes forward and pushes aside reason and common sense.  It's hard to believe things can be too "in the clouds" when I believe in karma and a spiritual world controlling some of the puppet strings attached to us.  Often I see things that "work out for the best", "are meant to be",  "are pure luck" or when "someone up there is looking out for me".

So, when my new apartment had amazing, promising rainbows radiating from it, I fell.  I fell for the beautiful turret with windows that let the sun streaming through.  I fell for the porch overlooking Spring Street, with a side-glance view of Lake Huron in the distance.  I fell for the amazing location. Close to Mom. Close enough to walk over for a cup of coffee in the morning.  Close enough to say goodnight in the dark and walk across the back yard and see the light on the porch to my apartment.

I pushed away the warning signs that were there.  My Stain-glass-eyes saw more of the blues, reds and yellows and didn't allow enough light to shine in.  I didn't get a good look past the colors.  I've been making a habit of not getting after myself for my mistakes.  Usually the consequences of my choices are enough of a reprimand. I don't have to punish myself twice.  I like myself more now and appreciate my gifts.  When those gifts become detrimental to my goals I have to readjust my goals and take the slap across the face that failure gives.

Does insecurity and weakness creep in?  Only when I dwell on the negative. When I settle back into the person I was before. The person who questions everything she is passionate about.  The person who ridicules herself for being human.  The woman who questions what she believes as true before she'd questions the motives and beliefs of others.  The lady who infrequently uses positive strokes on herself.  The person who is terrified of being rejected and ridiculed for being herself.  It's a scary, lonely, thin-walled place to be. I can hear voices on the outside, the wind threatening to blow in the walls, and the dark and cold trying to penetrate every little crack leading inside.  

I prefer to turn myself around quickly if I step foot in that place.    I hold back my panic and get out of there as fast as I can before the door slams shuts, locking me in.  Usually when I am able to turn myself around I see through the stain glass at a different angle.  It gives me the edge I need to keep moving forward even if it is a direction with new street names and landmarks to learn.

Stain-Glass Window -
Iron Mountain, Michigan