Sealed With a Kiss

Chess Room at Eyuboglu, Istanbul

For years I have been privately singing the song, "Sealed With A Kiss" (Bobby Vinton), near the end of August.  I changed the words to say,

                    "Now it's time to say goodbye to the summer, 

                    I know it's come to this, no matter if I try, 

                    I will long for the summer, sealed with a kiss".  

I sang it to myself on the beaches of Lake Superior, Otsego Lake, Lake Huron, Lake Michigan and even my back porch.  I watched more and more bright orange, yellow and red leaves appearing in the green.  It was my way of taking time to shed a few tears for the changing of season and the inevitable Labor Day weekend, sealing the end of summer.  Not just the end of summer, but the end of time off from teaching.  Each time I grieved over the changes my family and I would have to make to adjust to another school calendar year.

This season will be the second time since 1977 I won't have a classroom of students after Labor Day.  The first time was when I stayed home with Heidi after she was born on August 26th in 1990.  I stayed home with her until after Christmas vacation.  This time I'm retired from teaching.  Just last September I answered anyone who asked, "When are you going to retire?" with "I will teach until my mind or health give out.  I love to teach. I love my job."

Eyuboglu Students Singing National Anthem
Each Beginning and Ending of the School Week

I always felt it was my career and calling, not just a job. My mind gave out first. I felt myself slowly fading.  The stress was more than my mind could process, causing my body to ache and slowly die. I knew it was killing my spirit and soul, too. Now I feel relief rather than tension.  When I hear the geese grouping up, smell the unique smell of cooler weather blowing in, or walk past the aisles of school supplies in the stores,  I appreciate my disconnect from school. 

If I were still teaching I would have already been in my classroom for a couple of weeks cleaning, organizing, and preparing for a new group of students. The list of students names have to be written twenty or more times. On books, desks, notebooks, name tags, and so much more.  I would be hearing all the teacher union "what ifs" and "they" talk by now and would have been tuning out the repetition and squawking of their voices.  Parents of overly-gifted children would have stopped by to tell me how fearful they are their child will be bored with school, or how well-behaved they are at home.  An enormous amount of patience would have been depleted in dealing with inanimate objects like copy machines, computers, phones, clocks, cupboard doors and staplers.  Every year I spent too much time looking for the tape, paper clips, and scissors. (I finally got smart and tied a pair of scissors to my desk chair)

First Grade Classroom in Atlanta, Michigan

Even with wearing a dust mask my dust allergy symptoms would go crazy from cleaning and sorting through supplies and reorganizing the classroom.  They just meshed in with the seasonal allergies I expected from autumn.  My fingers began to dry and crack and my summer shade of tan quickly began to fade.  My bladder would be getting in shape again for long marathons without relief. The hours of daylight began to shrink. I came to expect "Daylight Savings Time" thrown in the mess of things. Coupled with those changes came the near-hour drive to and from school in the dark.  Habit put both hands of the wheel, scanning ahead for deer and elk every mile, like a robot.  Freezing fog, light snowfall, deer in rut became normal daily hazards to watch for.

Daily Stop at River Before Arriving at School in Atlanta.

I'm not shopping for "school" clothes.  I'm not preparing to take daily lunch.  I'm not carrying bins of work and "stuff" in and out of the school to work on at home.  I'm not having recurring dreams about being late for class, and my students running all around the school.  I'm not increasing my caffeine intake.  I'm not signing a contract.  I'm a retired teacher.

Preparing Classroom in the Fall

Not that it isn't unsettling to see summer end without a school calendar leading my personal life.  It is.  There's a calling in me I imagine is like the instinct migrating birds feel when the northern winds blow a little fiercer and colder.  It's powerful.  It takes over in my weakest moments of insecurity. The fear slips through my courage and says, "What are you going to do?"  "Who are you, if not a teacher?" "Where will you live?"  "How will you continue to make a difference in this world?" "How will you know what is right?"…….. self-talk is scary sometimes.  I had a graffiti wall and one of my favorite quotes was, "DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU THINK".  I'll have to put it to a tune so I can sing it over and over instead of Sealed With A Kiss.

Reading Jacqueline's blog, dated August 17, 2012,  http://notsosupermomjq.blogspot.com/ , helped me. She explained it eloquently and simply. She starts a new teaching job this fall.

I have a lot to learn about letting things be as they are without worrying about being in control.   I need to wait and see what my next classroom experience will be.  I am the student now.  I will wait and see who my teachers will be, what subjects I will be assigned. I will try to listen, take notes, connect and reflect. I won't judge myself unnecessarily when I fail or succeed.  I know there will be tension before every test, relief after every personal challenge.  I will have to take the initiative to study, experiment, test my comfort zones and pick myself back up when I am knocked down.  

Entrance Doors to Primary School at Eyuboglu

I will have plenty of distractions.  Ones that I create myself to avoid decisions and others that are necessary for play and rejuvenation. When I was in physical therapy yesterday I was making myself focus on relaxing so I could finish the set I was working on.  Tension blocks progress.  Pain tells my brain to stop.  I have to reteach my brain to follow through and reject the signal from my brain that keep saying, "Rest---don't push----it hurts".   I try to relax and focus.  I keep telling myself to look at the progress as a whole, not at each little setback. 

Onward.  Now, I will post this and pour my second cup of coffee and relax before I start my yoga and strengthening exercises.  Then…….