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I'm Not Sick, I'm Dying

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Ever since my son-in-law said death was like birth it has spun around in my head bouncing back and forth. To me it seemed like the exact opposite. Until I looked at it from an illness view-point it felt like the comparison wasn’t accurate. My mom is at the end of her life. She’s passing and she is not ill. Her body is done and her mind has wrapped itself around the facts. She said “I’m done” last week. Not her being done with curing an illness, getting better and living another ten years. Done with treating this time in her life as an illness and going from emergency room, back home and soon to emergency room again. Blood draws, X-rays, Infusions, urine samples new meds, new advice for her and her caregivers. She asked her doctor to be referred to Hospice. She asked more than once. More than one nurse, doctor, social worker. She shouldn’t have to voice this wish of hers. Her body resonates “I’m passing on”. Her every movement, pain, fatigue, difficulties with everything.   She’s wa...
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Handy in Bautzen

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HAPPY NEW YEAR (Thank you ahead for reading) I’ve just returned from travel to Germany. My son Holden lives in Berlin and welcomed me for a visit before the holiday. I want to share one of my experiences. Going through this helped me see I’m calmer and more grounded.  I Enjoy the Train Rides in Germany Holden and I traveled two different times on regional trains for his Christmas performances. One was in Bautzen and the other in Zittow. They’re considered Saxony regions of East Germany.They border the Czech republic. It makes them very interesting. More rural areas. The people are less likely to speak English. I’m amazed at how much they do speak compared to my ability to speak German, though.  One day while Holden was working (while in Bautzen) I decided to wander the Christmas Market (Weinachtmarkt) and go to a local museum. I already saw one of his early performances and the evening performance was sold out.  One of my favorite things to do in is walk with "Some"...
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Ashley Walks On - Nov. 2024

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During the Thanksgiving holiday, Ashley, my nephew, ended his life. I knew Ashley through my sister, Mary, his mother.   Love radiated from her in her stories about him or when I’d hear her talk to Ashley on the phone. She animated his personality through her unconditional love for him.   Mary was brought to her knees losing Ash. She lost her buddy, her son. But…. she does understand his desperation. Mary was unable to care for him when he got more and more difficult to handle and she adopted him out when he was nine, seeing no other way. Later in his life they often had daily contact by phone or texts. She let him try to make sense of his life. So many times she just listened.   She did her best to coach him and ask him questions about his ideas. Sometimes he'd blame her for his frustration. Eventually he’d apologize and reassure her, “ I love you Mom, I’m trying, I’m doing my best .”   Knowing their bond was strong and his death would be hard on her, Ashley took th...
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