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I'm Not Sick, I'm Dying

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Ever since my son-in-law said death was like birth it has spun around in my head bouncing back and forth. To me it seemed like the exact opposite. Until I looked at it from an illness view-point it felt like the comparison wasn’t accurate. My mom is at the end of her life. She’s passing and she is not ill. Her body is done and her mind has wrapped itself around the facts. She said “I’m done” last week. Not her being done with curing an illness, getting better and living another ten years. Done with treating this time in her life as an illness and going from emergency room, back home and soon to emergency room again. Blood draws, X-rays, Infusions, urine samples new meds, new advice for her and her caregivers. She asked her doctor to be referred to Hospice. She asked more than once. More than one nurse, doctor, social worker. She shouldn’t have to voice this wish of hers. Her body resonates “I’m passing on”. Her every movement, pain, fatigue, difficulties with everything.   She’s wa...
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Handy in Bautzen

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HAPPY NEW YEAR (Thank you ahead for reading) I’ve just returned from travel to Germany. My son Holden lives in Berlin and welcomed me for a visit before the holiday. I want to share one of my experiences. Going through this helped me see I’m calmer and more grounded.  I Enjoy the Train Rides in Germany Holden and I traveled two different times on regional trains for his Christmas performances. One was in Bautzen and the other in Zittow. They’re considered Saxony regions of East Germany.They border the Czech republic. It makes them very interesting. More rural areas. The people are less likely to speak English. I’m amazed at how much they do speak compared to my ability to speak German, though.  One day while Holden was working (while in Bautzen) I decided to wander the Christmas Market (Weinachtmarkt) and go to a local museum. I already saw one of his early performances and the evening performance was sold out.  One of my favorite things to do in is walk with "Some"...
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Throw Your Coffee Cup

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When you’re in pain, I hear it in your voice. It encircles your body. Snarl and twist. Until you have to close your eyes to breathe. I’ve seen you curl up to brace yourself. You don’t want anyone to worry. You want anyone's discomfort with your pain to disappear. I don’t want you to be in pain. You can’t possibly make discomfort with your pain vanish. Your needs have always come last. You’ve lived by others’ hard-fast rules. Women, like children - seen not heard. It’s okay to yell out in pain. To throw your coffee cup. It’s okay to call and cry.   Your pain deserves space. You are not a rock. I’m not a squishy marshmallow. You are not alone. Your needs are not last. I respect your space and truth.  I see you, you are loved. The only rule is .... there are no rules. Come around the corner in full view and throw that coffee cup. Please don't rush to clean it up. Your anger and frustration need space too.
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