Questions and Quotes

The days go by quickly. I have to stop myself from thinking I’m living. I am so programed to go through the motions. I’m good at it. I’ve had a lot of practice, right down to the part in my hair.

Days run into each other without a hello or a goodbye to each other. I’m on a treadmill keeping up. When I do stop myself, I get scared. I don’t know what is next. I don’t want to know. Yet, I do. I’m afraid of loving and committing myself to another life than what I'm use to. I'm afraid of letting myself down by being afraid and not trying new things.

I watch Elizabeth and Heidi right now and I feel for them because I think they must feel the same way, sometimes. I don’t know for sure, but it’s likely.

Elizabeth has huge decisions to make, huge weighing to do and it has to be stressful. To decide to commit yourself for the next eight years to study. Choosing a type of life-style that creates itself. Yet, she will be creating, researching, influencing thoughts, minds, and study just by being Elizabeth.

Heidi is a senior and has many decisions to make as well. She has to be stressed-out, too. She will also be uprooted in some way at some time. She will make choices on where she will be, what she will do. Wherever she decides to be, she will make her mark. She does not take things lightly and will influence those around her.

Whenever I advise Heidi, as well as Elizabeth, I tell them, “Your problem is not what gift you have to give the world. You are fortunate enough to have many strong gifts. Your problem is which gift you want to cultivate and let mature so you can be happy.”

Bahariye Caddesa/Street

I'm afraid of time passing and not knowing my place in this world. I'm afraid of caring too much about people, communities, commitments and not thinking about what I want and what I think is worthwhile. I'm scared of my motives. I want to be happy. But is that as important as the reason for being here on earth? The reason we have a soul? The reason our roads have been so diverted and varied? Do I really have the choices I search for? Or are many of the building blocks already set aside to be laid on the foundation?

I don't know the answers any more now at 55 than I did when I was taking my first official teaching job in East Lansing at 22. Or when I was 24 moving to northern Michigan to get married....and the decisions go on and on. Each phase of life has it's melt-downs and rebuilding. Each one takes on an urgency that feels like it's the first time I've made a major decision.



I created a graffiti wall in my living room in Michigan the past two years. Two of my favorites that have helped me stand up with more confidence are:

“Don't believe everything you think”

“I have a right to be wrong, so just leave me alone.”

I'm sure I could have been more sophisticated if I would have quoted Thoreau, Keats, Dante or some other cool-deep-thinker. But, these quotes really open up to the part of my mind that wants to go “carefully” and “steady” and “correctly”.

“Carefully” misses taking the oars to the boat and rowing. “Steady” misses the rush of looking adventure in the face. “Correctly” misses the dips and dives of knowing you're alive and human.

Author's note:
I added the quotes.

Do you not see how necessary a world of pains and troubles is to school intelligence
and make it a soul?
John Keats

From a little spark may burst a flame.
Dante

Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life.
Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something.
Henry David Thoreau